クジラ: The Cetacean Goofball
by Koplak from the Equator
Summary: It is now summer and Kisame's nephew comes for a summer vacation and to be trained to be an Akatsuki by joining missions along with duo seniors. He shall expect mayhem and extremity. TobiXOC. PeinXOC. High insanity level. CRACK. DISCONTINUED.
1. Letter of Allowance

**クジラ****: ****The Cetacean Goofball**

**[1] Letter of Allowance [1]**

Around seven months ago, it was winter in Amegakure. Although the country was basically located in a tropical line, since Pein caught a cold, snow came down sprinkling the whole village. There was much joy and, of course, mayhem. That one was unavoidable and always will be unavoidable. It's just the way the mighty God likes it.

And now, after seven months, things didn't change—except that it was not snowing anymore and instead it was searing hot. This was the time when Akatsuki usually spend more money on—much to Kakuzu's dismay. Of course, it was summer! Everyone's favorite time of the year! Well, except for the heat, that is. Just imagine the ice cream you get to eat all you like; the beach; the swimming pool; the smoothies…oh God…the list of vacation is endless! However, summer has a different definition in the Akatsuki's very own, inexistent dictionary. The meaning of summer in Akatsuki's dictionary is:

"TOO MUCH WORK!!!!" Pein howled, tired of seeing the stockpile of papers right in front of his nose. Ever since Madara gave up his position and passed it to him again, Pein suddenly reminded how much he actually disliked the job. "I need a fucking break."

"It's not my fault if missions started to flood in every time summer comes. It's because bounties came out of their hideout and usually spotted in vacation that our number of missions increased drastically. Come on, you have me and Madara helping you out." Konan tapped Pein's slouching back. Unfortunately, her words didn't comfort Pein even just a little.

"I'm not helping him out!" Madara retorted. "I'm here to deliver him the documents of our missions' details. I have no intention of helping him out." Madara kicked up his feet and rest them on the table as he leaned back on the spinning chair. Konan shot him a glare and he asked, "What?"

"You don't make him feel better, you idiot."

"What do you think I am? A circus clown? If any that would be you." Madara stood up and walked away lazily. Konan was infuriated by his mockery and threw ten flying paper daggers at him, which all flew through his body as if the Uchiha was a ghost. "Waste of paper…" Madara yawned, leaving Konan screaming in fury.

Pein drank a glass of water and his spirits returned gradually. He sighed and clenched his fist, "That's it! I will work with passion, now! Yeah! This job is given to me and I will take it seriously. I am a God, after all." Pein sat on his chair and started scribbling on the papers.

Alternatively, summer has another meaning for Itachi. That would be: "I'm burning." Itachi mumbled. He and Kisame had just got back from their first summer mission. The day they got back—yesterday—the sun was blazing hot and caused sunburns to Itachi's pale white skin. Currently, he was applying Aloe Vera gel onto his burnt skin. "Summer sucks…" he continued to mumble some more rants.

"No, it's not." Kisame disagreed. "It would be the best time to go to the beach. That is if we don't have so many missions."

"Ooh! Tobi wants to go to the beach too! Tobi wants to see a living starfish!" Tobi chirped. "And there are so many carnivals in the summer! Tobi wants to see them all!"

"Settle down, kid. It's just the beginning of summer." Kisame said.

"Yeah, and it's scorching already. Now I need an ice-cold smoothie. With lots of syrup!" Itachi headed to the kitchen and one minute later, it was filled with ice grinding machine. Yeah, the Akatsuki has that machine. It was for this very time of the year.

"Guys!!!" Hidan shouted. After a short moment, just as Itachi finished making a smoothie, Hidan appeared in the living room, panting and sweating. Kisame raised one eyebrow. "Has anybody seen my boys?"

"What? They're gone again? Where did you put them this time?" Kisame groaned, massaging his temples.

"I put them just right behind the gates! Their gates! It's supposed to lock them inside, I have no idea how they got out." Hidan shouted as he answered. He walked out of the living room to resume the search of his now seven month old kids. _**(You gotta read my previous stories to understand how Hidan, THE Hidan, can have babies.)**_

Kisame rolled his eyes, "You should put a padlock on that thing. Your boys are clever!"

"Oh, Tobi knows where to find them!" Tobi rushed after Hidan and went to his own room. In the summer, all doors were opened to let in the cold air from the living room's air conditioner to flow inside. It was Kakuzu's energy-and-money-saving policy. So it was no wonder if Hidan's crawling kids could walk out of their father's room and to the other's.

"Oh, of course! Your room! They want to play with Nu-nu! Arata! Benjiro!" Hidan called his boys. Hidan actually had quadruplets, but his girlfriend couldn't take care the four of them so Hidan, like it or not, had to take two with him. It didn't take long for Hidan to get used to them. Lucky for him, Arata and Benjiro weren't the wake-in-the-middle-of-the-night type. It was meant for only nine months until the babysitter came (the babysitter came from far, far away) but Hidan—who had develop a huge love for his kids, much to anyone's surprise—said he would take care of them. This somehow interest Madara too, as he had something in mind for the boys' future. Whatever it is, Arata and Benjiro are raised to be an Akatsuki.

"Squawk! Get me outta here! Squawk!" Merlin, Madara's pet cockatoo, shrieked and flapped his wings to find his master. He left Nu-nu alone under Benjiro's crushing embrace.

"Ben-chan! Don't treat Nu-nu like that! She will die!" Tobi warned them. He quickly took Nu-nu who just started to suffer suffocation from Benjiro's tiny hands. Crossed, Benjiro threw the closest object in reach, which was Nu-nu's food bowl, and threw it at Tobi's thigh. "Hey! Ben-chan can't do that to Uncle Tobi! Ben-chan is a bad boy!"

"Nah, it's just a little dirt. What bad could it possibly cause?" Hidan flicked off the problem and picked Arata, the younger of the twins, in his arms.

"Umh, Yoru-chan won't like this." Tobi muttered.

"Won't like what?" Yoru's voice interjected, followed by Hidan wolf-whistling. Yoru ignored the Jashinist and stepped closer to Tobi. "So what is it that I won't like?"

"Um, Tobi doesn't want to add more laundry for Yoru-chan. But Ben-chan threw Nu-nu's food and now it's dirty." Tobi explained, half-whimpering.

"Nah, don't sweat it. Laundry is my job, after all." Yoru patted Tobi's shoulders and squatted to carry Benjiro.

Kisame leaned to the door frame, looking at the couple with a huge grin on his face. "You shouldn't be too kind on the kid, Yoru. You might raise him as a spoiled child."

"I'm not the one who's raising Benjiro. That would be Hidan's responsibility. He's the dad." Yoru replied, playing with Benjiro who was trying to get a toy Yoru held in one hand.

"I wasn't talking about Benjiro. It's the bigger kid I'm talking about." Kisame chuckled, pointing at Tobi mischievously. "He already looked like a spoiled child to me. Just look at the way he clings to you."

"Oh, stop taunting him, Kisame." Yoru huffed.

Out of the blue, a sound of a herd of sheep echoed throughout the Akatsuki's base. Most of the inhabitants wondered where that sound came from. Yoru and Tobi looked at each other in confusion while Kisame leaned outwards to meet Sasori poking out his head out of his room. "What was that?" he asked.

"The doorbell. You go get it." Sasori said quickly and went back to his room.

"Why me? It's not like there's no one else near the door." Kisame protested.

"We need someone to scare the random person away, just in case. Since Zetsu is away, you're our only hope. Kakuzu is too murder-thirsty while you're not so bloodthirsty. So you better go and put your horrifying bellow on the front of your throat." Sasori replied, not even bothering to look at Kisame face-to-face.

Kisame rolled his eyes and lazily walked to the backdoor—the only door known to non-members and Amegakure villagers. He turned the knob, preparing his so-called horrifying bellow, and swung the door open only to find himself choked between a bellow and a shout. Apparently, the visitor wasn't as random as he thought it would be. In fact, the visitor's face was far too familiar for Kisame. "What the hell?!?!" he bellowed. This bellow was the horrified bellow, not the horrifying.

"Hi there, Kisame-san!" the teenager that happened to be their visitor greeted the blue-skinned man with joy. "Aren't you surprised to see me?"

"Not just surprised, I'm flabbergasted. What…what are you doing here…?" Kisame asked. He was unsure whether to let the teen to enter the base or not.

"Vacation! It's summer, remember?"

"Yeah, I know. But why here of all places?" Kisame asked again.

Just before the teen had time to answer, Madara interrupted, "Kisame, who the hell is on the door? I thought Sasori told you to—" Madara's upcoming words dropped on the wrong time, causing him to lost for words for the visitor was beyond his imagination. The teenager didn't look like any teenager ever lived. His skin was iron black and there were strange milk white ovals right on his cheekbones and around his eye bones. The same shade of white also covered his fingers, making his hands to look like he was wearing black gloves with no fingers. His eyes were dark blue, his hair was a darker shade of his skin. The teen waved at Madara and grinned, showing dirty white not-so-pointy teeth. He somewhat looked like a humanoid killer whale.

"Oh, Madara. Let me introduce you to Kujira Hoshigaki. This kid's my nephew." Kisame acquainted. There was a little burden stuck to his heart.

"Your nephew?!" Deidara interjected. "Damn, Kisame, he does look slightly like you." Soon afterwards, the others followed (including Zetsu who had just got back few seconds ago) and were together astounded by the teen that claimed to be Kisame's nephew.

"How is he related to you?" Zetsu's white side, which I call Shiro from today on, asked.

Kisame sighed, knowing that it would be a tiresome piece of speech, and started to explain, "Right, so my father, Fugu, has a brother, Maguro, who got married to my aunt, Tako. Maguro-san and Tako-san have one daughter which makes her my cousin. This cousin of mine, Azarashi, got married to a man I never got to acknowledge and had this little guy, Kujira."

The whole place was silent; Madara was twitching together with Kakuzu and Hidan. Ten seconds later, an uproar of laughter boomed from all but Kisame. What they heard from Kisame's explanation was that the 'Bloat Fish' has a brother which is 'Tuna' who got married to 'Octopus' and had a daughter, 'Seal'. Then 'Seal' got married to an unknown and had a son which is 'Whale'. Kisame was turning purple; he knew from all along that his comrades will guffaw at his family's marine biologic names.

Sasori was the first to stop laughing and asked Kisame, "What was your mother's name again?"

Kisame frowned but answered him nonetheless, "Ika." he blurted sourly. To none of his surprise, the rest of the Akatsuki laughed harder for the 'Bloat Fish' and the 'Squid' made a 'Shark' for a child. "Shit, I know I shouldna bother explaining my family lineage." Kisame mumbled resentfully and pocketed his hands. His hands pulled out again as Kisame turned to face his nephew. "Anyway, Kujira, you haven't answered me. Why are you going here?"

"Right! Since you won't believe me if I tell you myself, here!" Kujira thrust an envelope to Kisame. Reluctantly, Kisame took the envelope from his nephew's white fingers to his blue ones. With the same reluctance, he read the letter that said:

_Dear Kisame,_

_Hiya! Wow! It's been a long time since we last met! I wonder if you're still alive and still shredding on people's feet…beh! If you're dead, Kujira will be back home right about now._

_So…in case you're wondering why your nephew is there in front of your door, that's because he wanted to be with you. Yes, Kujira wants to be like you, cousin, a one bad-ass S-rank criminal. So I said, "Well, if you want to be like your uncle, then you have to learn from him." I know, as a mother I should've pick him a better job or at least aim him to the good job, but no. It's his choice and I'm going to respect it._

_Now here he is! Leaving his squad of chuunin to spend his summer vacation with you and Akatsuki. Please let him spend his summer with you. Don't you even dare try to kill him, Kisame! He still has your blood! Tell your leader not to worry. Kujira is a well-behaved boy and you know it._

_Regards,  
Azarashi Hoshigaki_

"What on Hezmana…?" Kisame trailed off. "Dude, Kujira, aren't you too young to commit an S-ranked crime?"

"I'm fifteen, so I don't think I'm too young. Anyway, it's a free world." Kujira answered.

"Your nephew's got a point. It's never too late. Knowing you, I think he'll qualify. If he truly wants to be in the Akatsuki, we should make him commit crime so serious the whole village would pee in its pants." Madara said. "The problem is…I'm not in charge of decisions anymore and that this kid didn't look too mean at all."

"Ah, you have no idea how savage he is when situation forces. He already had committed a C-rank crime for murdering three innocent passersby in a football match just because these three people accidentally dropped their soft drink on his head." Kisame added; behind him, Kujira grinned his orca grin again.

Madara's eyebrows rose with an obvious signs of interest. He turned to head Pein, "So, Pein, what do you think?"

Already recovering from side cramps due to excessive laughing, Pein cleared his throat and began to say, "Well…we might look what he's able to do. It's good to have a dedicated member, by the way. OK, it is been settled. Kujira Hoshigaki, you are now officially an apprentice of Kisame. Normally, you will be under his watch and will be trained by him. But I might as well sent you to go to missions with the other members too. We also might help you earn the S-rank title by doing our dirty work in future missions. Are you up to it?"

"Hell yeah! Anything to be in Akatsuki! This is so cool! I'm waiting to work with you, Kisame-san!" Kujira bowed before his uncle.

Kisame nodded and replied, "Likewise, Kowappa."

"Aw, man! You still call me Kowappa after all these years?! C'mon! I've grown into a man now!" Kujira protested.

"_Half man_, to be precise." Kisame taunted, grinning. "You're not even taller than Sasori."

"Are you calling me short?!" Sasori roared.

Kisame ignored the puppet master and continued talking to his nephew, "I'm telling you there's no turning back."

"Don't worry. Everything has no U-turn. Except computers, which you can undo."

Kisame smirked, "Fine. I'll take you to your room."

"Say, Kisame-san, is my room next to the pretty blonde woman?" Kujira asked.

"Woman?!" Deidara growled and pounced and was about to pound the young man if said young man didn't turn around and held him high in the air with one hand. Most of the Akatsuki had their jaws gaping at the scene. "GAH! Let me down!!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I mistook you for a woman. You are indeed a man—I can spot that from your voice." Kujira put Deidara down. Deidara fell onto his rear, shocked of the boy's unimaginable strength.

Kisame cackled at Deidara's dumbfounded face, "You should be careful, Deidara. Kujira may be a dense little kid, but he can match my strength in tug-o-war. C'mon, Kowappa, I thought you want me to show your room."

"Right. Wait for me!"

Sasori helped Deidara to stand up, next he found himself dangling loosely thanks to Deidara who shook him by gripping the front of his cloak. "Did you see that brat? He was like lifting me as if I'm just a twig! I bet my money he's only like what? 50 kilograms? Shit, he was powerful!"

"Why don't we just test it out? And I'll be glad to take your money because I'm betting 70 kg." Kakuzu smirked, rubbing his hands deviously.

"That was rhetoric, you shit face!" Deidara snapped.

"His uncle did the same thing to you some time ago, didn't he? Then we shouldna been surprised. I think it's gonna be a long summer…" Madara sneered.

_I need a theme song to end this…dammit…_

* * *

**Well, that was short. What can I do? It's only just the ****beginning****. More excitement is about to come, so hold your breath! And as of Thurdays, July 2****nd****, it's my BIRTHDAY!!! YAY!!! I got two boxes of homemade superduperific lasagna from my aunt. I'm SOOOO excited! One box is to be eaten together, the other box is only for me!**

**Next, in Kujira: The Cetacean Goofball: **_**NEVER underestimate a kitchen utensil. Use it wrong and your house is literally down to the ground! HAHAHA!**_

_**Bloopers:**_

The visitor's face was far too familiar for Kisame. "What the hell?!?!" he bellowed. This bellow was the horrified bellow, not the horrifying.

"Your friendly neighborhood, Spider-Man!"


	2. One Bouncy Situation

**[2] ****One Bouncy Situation**** [2]**

"First day of training! Hurrah!!!" Kujira shouted at the top of his lungs and plunged out of his bedroom and dashed to the dining room.

"Would you be quiet?!" Kakuzu snapped.

"He's right. And you're late! Fifty crunches!" Kisame dictated. As if loud voice projection wasn't enough to show some strictness, Kisame pointed Samehada at his fifteen year old nephew. Some of his comrades sweat-dropped at Kisame's drastic behavior change.

"What?! You can't do that to me!" Kujira whined.

"Yes, I can, you wimpy ocean calf! Now get going!"

"Arg! Shnit!"

"Who knew Kisame would act very differently to a family. This is a good show!" Madara sneered and leaned affront to watch the uncle and the nephew. At times he cackled at them before he went to get another cup of coffee. After he sat back and resumed watching, Kakuzu started to ask him.

"What's your plan for the kid's first experience, Kingpin?" Kakuzu asked, opening his mask and sipped his coffee.

"Not today, Bullseye. Today, he'll just spend a quality time with his dear ol' Unca Kisame."

"Sounds good to me. So who's going today?"

"Shiro and Kuro compact. It's a spying mission for tomorrow's mission. So, there you get it—a chained mission. I have no idea how the hell Pein can arrange it like that. He always glued to his 'right man for the right mission' policy." Madara and Kakuzu sighed. "Plus, he ordered Deidara to cook him a melon-flavored jelly."

Kakuzu gagged on his drink. "Come again?!"

"He said jellies help him go dung easier." Madara shrugged.

"But…did he just trust Deidara to cook? I remember he screwed the whole Thanksgiving dinner."

"I HEARD THAT, YOU GREEBOL!" Deidara shouted at the masked treasure-hoarder, lifting his fork in a Spartan manner. He yelped in pain as Sasori elbowed his testicles…hard. "Holy flerking shnit…!" he squeaked, painful tears trickled from his eyes. "Damn you, Dana! And you, Smeagol, I'm telling you ever since that incident, I've learned to cook. Anyway, it's just a motherfrekking jelly. What harm could possibly be dawning upon us?"

"Careful, boy. Remember, we're Madam Karma's bitches!" Kakuzu replied.

"Karma Sharma! It can do nothing to me and my awesome-tastical cooking talent. I swear even Jashin would grow some wings seeing my oh-so-delicious cooking." Deidara boasted. Beside him, Sasori was rolling his eyes in a perfect 180 degrees.

"Keep my Lord away from this!" Hidan shouted. He was currently spoon-feeding Arata and Benjiro.

"We'll see about it. If you don't mess up, expect me to give you fifty bucks. But if you do…" Kakuzu's stitched mouth twisted to a hideous (yet somewhat cool) smirk that caused Deidara to gulp a boulder down his throat. "I expect twice as much from you." Evil laugh.

Deidara gulped again and unconsciously grabbed Sasori's arm for protection. "Creepy dude."

Sasori indifferently glanced at his stolen arm then to the blonde. He cleared his throat once. Twice. Thrice—until Deidara heard him and direct his attention to him. "Excuse me, but that's my newspaper-turning arm you're clinging on to." he muttered casually.

"AH! Sorry."

* * *

"Now pour the jelly powder into the boiling hot water…" Deidara muttered while stirring the jelly with the hot water as instructed by the back of the jelly package. He stirred using a wooden spoon he bought the other day for this very purpose. Yes, apparently, other than clay-molding, Deidara has passion in cooking more than he thought he would. To him, cooking was like another form of art that was beautiful. Plus, art of cooking smells like sugar, spice, and everything nice! However, cooking has its own flaws for Deidara. He disliked the heat it radiated therefore he wore a cloth glove to cover his mouthed hands. "And stir for ten minutes. That sounds easy-peasy!"

While whistling some metal tunes, Deidara kept stirring. If it were drawn in panels, there would be a small balloon with a quaver note in it. A squiggly quaver, that would be, since he whistled metal songs. After ten minutes, he went to the cabinet in search of the plastic mould but he couldn't find it. He scratched his head, "Where is it?" Just as he wondered the position of the mould, Kisame passed the kitchen and the blonde spotted him. "Hey, Kisame!"

Half-heartedly, Kisame turned, "Hmm?"

"Can you stir the jelly for a while? I'm going to create my own mould, since I can't find it anywhere in here!" Deidara waved with his unoccupied hand.

"Huh?! You gotta be kidding me!" Kisame protested. "I have no time for that!"

"Please! Just five minutes! I'll be quick!" Deidara pleaded, pulling Kisame's bottom of the cloak.

Gruffly, Kisame nodded, "Fine! Hurry up! I'm not sure I can be patient enough and might end up throwing the whole thing out of the window."

Deidara rolled his eyes before hurrying to his room, "You're just like Dana!"

Sighing, Kisame took the wooden spoon and started stirring, half-heartily. He swore he had been stirring for hours and Deidara hasn't even come back and resumed his beloved cooking hobby. Kisame bellowed from the kitchen, "Deidara! How long do I have to stir like a total idiot?"

"Five more minutes!"

"Then that makes ten minutes! Dude, c'mon! I have a life to live!"

"Wait! Almost done—ARGH! OK…I need another minute. I just crack the bottom of the mould!"

"God!" Kisame exhaled exasperatedly and continued stirring. He was pretty bored out when two entities unexpectedly 'poof' to his broad shoulders. The one on his right was a smaller him wearing a robe, holding a harp, and had a halo hovering above his head. On the left shoulder, stood another mini Kisame wearing red tight spandex-like clothing, holding a trident, and has a pair of bull horns on his head. "Who are you guys?"

"Please, you must've not watched many cartoons when you were little to not know what we are. Just look at me! I have a pair of swan wings and a halo! I'm an angel!" the angel mini Kisame flapped his wings.

"Oh, of course. My shoulder angel and demon. Go ahead." Kisame replied monotonously.

"Just leave the stove alone, big guy. You have better work to do. Anyway, don't we just love to see Deidara get yelled by Pein-sama, eh?" said the devil Kisame.

"Don't listen to him, lad. Deidara is your friend; you should help him." the angel interjected, shooting sharp glares at the devil who lolled his tongue at the angel.

"You come off it! Look at the pave that I lead you! If you stayed in Kirigakure and refused to brawl against the government, you'd be a slave! You won't get a chance to meet these people! Anyway, Deidara's a wuss! And, remember, he and your best friend are enemies."

"OK, that blonde is a wuss, but without him, the place won't be fun anymore, right?"

"Bah! Don't you realize that the big guy would only listen to me? His life right now is made by my pave! Yours did nothing but gardening and feeding koi fish!" the devil snapped.

"Hey, hey, hey!!! Do NOT insult the koi fish! They're loved and sacred."

"Why care the koi if you're a shark? Just listen to me, Blue Boy. I'm telling you, helping him and the cooking would only cause trouble. TRUST ME!"

"DON'T!"

"Whoa! Whoa! Listen…I appreciate you two hopping to my shoulders in order to entertain me, but your eternal Saint-and-Sinner argument is driving me nuts and you _KNOW_ I have dilemmatic problems, almost all the time. So, I would be really happy if you guys just…vamoose, avaunt." Kisame muttered, trying not to be heard by someone therefore avoiding unnecessary storytelling.

The angel and the devil poof away; the devil's last message echoed, "Whatever."

Kisame sighed; he surely feeling like delusional lately. _Must be the heat…_ he said to himself. And speaking of heat, Kisame raised an eyebrow when he noticed bubbles were evaporating from the water. It was boiling. He hollered over again to Deidara, "Hey, clayface! The water's boiling, what should I do now?!"

"DUH! Turn off the stove!" Deidara hollered back.

"OK, OK! Geez, chillax…" Kisame spun the switch and it clicked as the fire extinguished itself. To Kisame's curiosity, the boiling didn't cease. Instead, it was getting more intense. "OK…I may not good in cooking, but I know the science that water will stop boiling if there's no heat. Damn, that was Grade 2 science!" And, hold it Kisame, the strangeness ain't end there! "Huh?"

The boiling was now as high as his face, which was located so high above the ground, courtesy to his height. Kisame inched back and back again, and again. He could've sworn he saw the jelly mix climbed out of the pot. And by climbing, I meant climbing. Climbing as in hands and feet working together. Yeah…that pretty much was it.

"D-Deidara…" Kisame called.

"I'm done!"

"There's something wrong with your jelly…I think… Do jellies climb out of the pot?" Kisame stammered.

"Are you a moron? Of course not!" Deidara criticized, showing his face finally to the kitchen again. On the very second he stepped into the warm-colored kitchen, his lower jaw hung loose.

"Well…then how do you explain _that_?!" Kisame roughly pointed to a creature that kept building itself from the jelly Deidara cooked. It was now standing before the two Akatsuki; its height was twice Kisame's height, and it was bouncy and blubbery. Deidara hung onto Kisame; both Akatsuki were staring at the jelly monster wide-eyed.

"Mommy…" Deidara squeaked. Good thing he didn't waste in his pants.

"GRRAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!" the jelly monster roared, spitting some harmless jelly at the two Akatsuki who, as it roared, shrieked like women.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIFEEE!!!!" they yelled and zapped away from the kitchen to the front door, which was the cave. The jelly monster roared again and chased after them, leaving jelly tracks behind it.

"What on tornadoes was that? I swear I heard Jurassic Park." Sasori said, plopping his head out of his room.

"And where's my jelly?!" Pein demanded crossly.

Immediately, after the leader said what he said earlier, Zetsu slipped on the jelly tracks, knocking over Kujira, knocking over Yoru and the laundry, then knocking over Kakuzu. Altogether, they shouted in a euphonious melody of "OOOOWWW!!!"

"Kakuzu, get your ass off of my face!" Yoru growled.

"I don't think my ass stamped your face." Kakuzu replied.

"No, it's not. It's my ass." Kujira added.

"Grrrreeaaat... Not Kakuzu's but I still kiss a guy's behind…" Yoru mumbled.

"Then whose face is on my butt?"

"Kuro's." Shiro (aka White Zetsu) answered, while his mouth was pressing the melon-flavored gelatin-spread tiles.

"Oh, fuck. Don't you dare eat any of my cheeks, Kuro."

"Your ass smells unpleasant already."

"That's actually offending but since it came from you, I'm gonna think of it as mercy."

"What the schnitzel is going in here? Why is there floor cleaner all over the place?" Madara complained. "AH! The laundry is everywhere!"

"Double whammy! Now I have to wash them again!" Yoru snapped, unleashing her gravity element to throw away the guys that pressed her into bacon; Kujira got thrown straight onto Itachi. "I better find the source of this mess." she hissed, rolling her Akatsuki cloak's sleeve up to her shoulder blades.

"Uh oh…she's getting craaankyyyyy…" Kakuzu whispered, putting the word 'cranky' in a tune.

Madara rolled his eyes and turned around, only to see Pein sniffing at the floor like some kind of police dog tracking on marijuana. "Pein Deva, what on earth are you doing?"

"This is my jelly!" Pein exclaimed. "DEIDARAAAAAAA!!!"

Kakuzu scoffed, "See? Told you he's gonna screw up."

Few seconds later, they heard squeals and shrieks from outside the base. They followed the source of the sound—Zetsu had to slip on the jelly again and this time he smacked onto Konan and Sasori who had just got out of their place. Tobi followed soon afterwards; he also slipped, but he didn't tumble on anyone else. Instead, he managed to skate on the slipperiness.

"WHOA! What is that?!" Tobi asked in amazement as the rest of Akatsuki got outdoors and witnessed Kisame smashing the jelly monster in vain despite using Samehada.

"That's Pein-sama's brunch." Zetsu answered.

"I think I just lost my appetite." Pein added.

"Guys! Right on time! Help us defeat this monster!" Deidara howled from under a tree's root (it was a pretty big root, if you're asking).

"Well, why don't you? Where's your booming art?" asked Sasori.

"I forgot to bring them, OK! I wouldn't cook with clays in my hands!"

"He's got a point." Konan agreed.

"Would a lightning jutsu eliminate that freak?" Kakuzu asked.

"I don't think so. Jelly is a bad electricity conductor. Try use earth or…fire, maybe? I honestly don't know what kind of harm would fire cause to a jelly. No one's has ever been stupid enough to burn a jelly. That would the last thing crossed in their minds." Madara answered.

"Well, I hope gravity settles everything." Yoru said, still hissing angrily.

Tobi gulped, "Uh, what's wrong with Yoru-chan?" he asked his brother.

"The laundry got messed up and she's blaming the monster. She's not aimless, by the way. The monster _did_ cause Zetsu to slip and tumble onto her eventually."

Raising both of her hands to the air, Yoru lifted the jelly monster floating. The monster roared at glanced around fearfully. It then bashed into the ground with a dreadful force that even made the actual strongest man in the organization to wince. She was not finished, ladies and gentlemen. Oh no…she has still one thing in mind to do. She kept concentrating on the monster's splattered shape further until it created sort of a trench on the soil. Not feeling satisfied, she battered the monster using wind jutsu which made the monster from solid bouncy menace into a giant bowl of whizzed anti-waste-blocking dessert. "STAY AWAY FROM MY FUCKING CHORES!!!" she screamed furiously at the dead mutated food.

Madara tapped Tobi on the back with both pride and apprehension, "Congratulations, bro, you have kissed a scary girl."

"Stop it." Tobi replied. "Tobi thinks Yoru-chan was awesome!"

"Seriously?"

Tobi nodded vigorously and followed the now hovering girl back into the base, helping her re-do her chores (and probably do something else after it. But since it's Tobi, I guess we have to ease the thought. Or should we…?).

Madara looked around and decided to—carefully—walk back into the base. He passed in front of the kitchen where the trail originated. In a single glance, he found out what was behind all these mayhem. "I think I know what's going on." he declared to the rest of the Akatsuki; Tobi and Yoru went out again to hear what.

"Oh? Then can you start please?" Kisame asked.

"The problem was _this _wooden spoon." Madara said, showing the spoon up to be seen by the rest.

"What's with it?' asked Deidara.

"Watch this." Madara tapped the spoon onto a lonesome fallen banana tree and it suddenly burst into flames. That freaked Zetsu out, since the banana leaf was from _THEIR _tree. "This spoon is made from the exact same tree of the chakra-checking paper. It absorbs chakra and, in this spoon's case, is manipulated so the chakra it receives could travel to other objects. Depending on what chakra it touches, the outcome would be different as well."

"But it was just fine when I touched it. It didn't seem to absorb my chakra." Deidara said.

"Well, let's see. When you bought it, I remember saw it wrapped in a newspaper. When you use it…do you wear anything?"

"Oh! The microwave glove! Now that explains everything!"

"Pretty much. Since Kisame didn't wear any gloves or wrapped his hands around a napkin, his water chakra flowed to the spoon and proceeded to the jelly. Hence, creating the hideous monster Yoru just mercilessly beat to pulp few seconds earlier. But why it turned _into _a monster is what I don't get. I burned the leaf, but it didn't turn into a monster."

"Maybe because his chakra flow looked like a monster." Hidan blurted. In the end, he got smacked with Samehada.

"Maybe. I know Kisame has a lot of chakra, but that should've made the jelly into something more _liquid_, not a _solid_ bouncy monster!"

"Maybe he was thinking something hideous?" Itachi added.

All eyes directed to him.

"You were cursing me to death?" Deidara demanded for answers from the shark-man himself.

"Yeah! That's for making me replace you to cook! Now c'mere and let me shred you into Parmesan cheese!" Kisame hauled up his sword and pursued the blonde to wherever he went. Deidara had none of his clay with him, so it would a GREAT advantage for Kisame. Deidara shrieked womanly again and scampered like a doe.

Pein, on the lighter side, was squatting before the battered pool of jelly. He licked his upper lip, arousing suspicion in Konan's mind. "Pein…don't tell me you're…"

"BRUNCH TIME!!!" Pein howled and salvaged all of the jelly into his mouth. Konan grimaced upon seeing the disgusting view and decided to run away from the spot.

"So much for losing the appetite." Kuro Zetsu said.

"So what are you gonna do with the spoon? It's paid with money, you know." Kakuzu asked Madara who was securing the spoon by wrapping it in aluminium foil.

"I'm confiscating it and put it as far away from reach as possible. Not letting any idiotic freshmen found this spoon and caused this kind of thing again. Not on my watch."

"Good thinking. But where?"

"Under the floor, of course. So you better help me."

"Anything for peace of mind."

**Moral of the story:** Remember, cooking lovers, never underestimate your cooking utensil, as its origin might cause problem in near or far future. And never—I repeat—NEVER let anyone else replace your cooking duties. You want your food done perfect? Do it yourself!

* * *

**Oh boy, I love this chapter. It's short, but priceless! And would you look at Madara and Kakuzu…they're so close. I think they have potential of being best friends. HUGE potential. Yoru…I hardly gave her something good lately (except her scene with Tobi in 'I Spy Round 2') so here she is, beating the crap out of the monster and screaming like Leonidas. Dang, if I were a lesbian, I'd kiss her! But since I'm not…I'm gonna glomp her and strangle her in my deathly hug of love! There's not much Kujira here, but again, this is just the beginning. It's warming up… Oh look! Morals!**

_**Bloopers:**_

"We'll see about it. If you don't mess up, expect me to give you fifty bucks. But if you do…" Kakuzu's stitched mouth twisted to a hideous (yet somewhat cool) smirk that caused Deidara to gulp a boulder down his throat.

Deidara: NO! DON'T! I'm just 19, you see!

Kakuzu: What the—? Man, that's not on the script!

Deidara: *blinks and laughs shyly* Of course! I know! I'm just bugging you! *shivers*

Kogito: Right, CUT!!!


	3. A Dinner with a Show

**[3] ****A Dinner with a Show**** [3]**

A giant bird soared in the sky, flapping its oversized wings and created a rough 'thump' sound through the clouds. On its back, sat three people: two adults and one teenager. The three of them were doing their call of life which was doing a mission in one of the country's most famous village, Iwagakure.

Deidara adjusted the zoom of his mini left-eye spyglass, spotting the inner guards of the village. "I see one…two…three…four…seven guards. They look like Jonin so I suggest you don't kick their ass on your own, Kujira." Deidara said.

"Aw, but I'm strong." Kujira objected. "I can take care of those guys on my own! I know I can!"

"Yeah, right. Sasori-dana'll be on your side, kid." Deidara huffed, flicking a strand of hair out of his face. Roughly, he ruffled Kujira's black hair.

"Take your parachute, lad! We're falling downright." Sasori shouted in the rustle of wind and handed it to the whale-boy.

"OK! Safety regulations! Listen carefully: Always remember to—"

"Can we just skip the falling part already?!" Sasori cut as he whined, rolling his glass optics 180 degrees exactly.

"No! Not until the kid's get everything!" Deidara retorted. "Ahem! So…always remember to spread your limbs as far your joints can turn! If you happen to need to make a hand seal, please keep in mind to make sure that your legs are at least shoulders apart. Second, don't shout 'Yahoo!' cuz the wind will elongate your lips into an elephant trunk! Scream 'Banzai' instead, or anything else ends with 'ah'!"

"Got it!" Kujira thumbed up. He wore his goggles and his orca-esque teeth bore in a face-splitting wind-fluttered grin.

"And last but not least, open your parachutes after the ducks passed!"

"Sure!! OK!"

"And last but not least… 2.0…"

Kujira waited…

"Have a great motherfrazzing fun!"

"Can we jump now?!?!" Sasori bellowed. He had already equipped his parachute bag and his skydiving accessories: the white skydiving helmet and the similar goggles worn by Kujira.

"Wait! One more thing!" Deidara added. While Sasori rolled his eyes again, Deidara popped a black marker's lid open and scribbled something on Sasori's helmet. He chuckled hysterically as he looked back at it.

"What the hell did you write on my helmet?" Sasori groused.

Deidara didn't answer—since he was way too busy cackling at 'F-89 Scorpion'. "J-ju-just…just go already!!!" Deidara bawled. The stutters were caused by his snickers.

"C'mon, kid!" Sasori called, then he was gone plunging to the herd of cloud cows.

"Banzai! BOOYAAAAAHH!!!" Kujira clamored, making metal symbols with both of his hands. "I'M FLYIIIING!!!" he continued yelling to the water particles in the clouds.

"We're not flying, we're falling!" Sasori corrected huffily. He grimaced as he saw Kujira's cheeks flapping due to the winds that attacked his face.

"With style!"

"Grud…" Sasori reduced his volume into a pure mumble.

Deidara watched the two of them with concern as they made their way through the clouds, creating their body shape in-between the particles. He was not concerned of their safety; that would be the last thing he'd concerned about. It was the fact that the mission would be successful was what concerned him. I know, you must've thought 'Why the heck would Deidara refuse to success in this one?' Well, let's see what happened 12 hours ago…

* * *

"Hey, Sasori, Deidara, Pein's looking for you guys. You too, Kujira, this'll be your first real-time mission. We expect your best, buddy." Madara said, calling and escorting the team that was about to be assigned to a mission.

"Oh yeah! Time to put my training to a test!" Kujira whooped, punching his fist triumphantly to the air.

"Don't get so antsy-pants yet, boy. Who knows…the mission might suck." Madara shrugged, but his words did not deteriorate Kujira's spirit. Looking at this, the older Uchiha smirked.

The four of them soon entered Pein's office. The leader, as always, was busy with paper works—whatever they were for. Probably most of them were connected with Amegakure matters instead of Akatsuki.

"You call us, Pein-sama?" Sasori asked as soon as he, Deidara, and Kujira arrived in front of the desk.

"Yes, I do. I have a mission for the three of you." Pein handed an A4-sized brown envelope. As soon as it landed on Sasori's sturdy wooden fingers, the puppet maestro opened it immediately and began to read all details available. "You need to kidnap that person, that person has information that's pretty crucial for us and our goal. Unfortunately, that person resides in Deidara's home village, Iwagakure. You have to be extra careful, especially you, Kujira. You are strong but your lack of experience might be a downfall."

"Don't worry, Pein-sama! I am always careful!" Kujira saluted.

Pein nodded and continued, "Follow your seniors, as they know what they're doing. And please, by any means possible, not to spit out our hideout location! Even the villagers of Amegakure are forced to not to spill out our hideout existence or else they'll become Zetsu's meal. You're still related to our member, so we try our best not to get you eaten by them."

"Understood, Leader!"

Deidara snatched the file from Sasori's hands as soon as he finished reading it. Deidara peeked at their target's biodata and the paper slipped from his hands right when he saw the photograph of the target. "THIS IS RIDICULOUS!" he bellowed; Madara on the back winced and covered his ears. "I can't do this mission! It's simply…_outrageous!_"

"The only thing outrageous is you don't do your job! This is serious, young man, and our target is what we need!" Pein snapped at the blonde, idiosyncratically threw an object at him. Luckily, Deidara had grown accustomed to that habit and ducked in time, letting Madara to catch the thrown object.

"Yeah, but this is my _DAD_ we're about to kidnap!!"

* * *

So there you see it: the cause of Deidara's concern. In his entire childhood, Deidara had only lived with his father, a singer in a quite well-known restaurant slash bar (It was called restaurant in the day, but it turned to a bar at night). It was unknown by all Akatsuki what was his and his father's relationship looked like, since the sculptor refused to talk about it. They assumed their relationship was not good at all, so maybe that was why Pein didn't hesitate to send the bar singer's son to kidnap him.

Back to the skydivers! They had been falling for thirty seconds and suddenly Sasori hit something with his face. "QUACK!" a duck bellowed at him. Soon, the flock quacked at him too. "Well, that's our signal. Pull the parachute out!!!" Sasori shouted and pulled a blue rope on the strap of his parachute bag.

"YEAH!" Kujira pulled the same rope on his strap and parachutes flapped outwards, slowing down their fall. "Hey, by the way, I thought I saw Donald Duck and Daisy Duck in that flock!"

Sasori rolled his eyes, again. "Are you long-range?" Sasori asked, pulling his sleeve back.

"No. I'm an up-close-and-personal type of fighter. Why?"

"Just asking. Now watch and learn." Sasori's right wrist twisted backwards, revealing a sharp and poisonous dart from the hole of his wrist joint. "This is a very strong non-deathly poison I invented. I call it 'AKS-Supreme'. It doesn't kill, but get shot by it then you'll never be able to walk for months. The antidote is to be bitten by a cobra which will lead to death."

"Huh? So how do you exactly erase the effect?" Kujira scratched his head; one of his eyes squinted.

"Well, the cobra poison enables you to walk again, but on the darker side, it will kill you. It's an endless circle of pain! Brilliant, eh? Well, if you don't want to die, then you have to rest in bed for months!"

"Huh…that sure sounds bright. Now show me!"

"My pleasure." Sasori aimed the nearest guard and the dart zipped to the man's neck. The man choked and fell and staggered on the floor like a fish bailed out of water. Shortly, the staggering ceased but he still could call for help…well, weakly.

"He…hello…? Is there anybody around me?" the first guard called. Two other guards heard him and rushed to his side, only to get shot by the same darts.

Sasori smoothly landed on the men's side and neatly folded his parachute. He helped Kujira to land and left the whale boy to fold his own parachute while he looked around to check for guards.

"Gotcha now, punk." a kunoichi cornered a kunai to his throat. But before she could slice him, she fell powerlessly and unconscious to the floor. Sasori carefully turned around and found Kujira tapping his hands together.

"What? I didn't make too much noise, right?" he asked skeptically.

Sasori smirked, "Even without a sword, you're pretty good."

"Thanks!" the boy grinned.

"Now let's tell Deidara we're here and have knocked down the guards."

"There are three left."

"I know. You wanna take a hit?" Sasori offered.

"Gladly!"

WHACK! WHUMP! PWONK!

"All done! Ain't I great? Ain't I, ain't I?"

"Not bad. Now let's call our dear little blonde friend."

* * *

Deidara yawned wide as he waited for signs from Sasori and Kujira. Actually, he was sleepy. It was nine in the night already and Deidara didn't like to sleep late. He rolled around and saw Sasori's signal: a giant kite flown by the puppeteer's chakra strings with huge white words saying 'WE'RE DONE, YO!'

Deidara sighed in disappointment and landed his clay bird near his partner and apprentice. "You guys are so good in doing this." he muttered.

"Of course. We love this mission, don't we, Kujira?" Sasori turned to the boy who nodded vigorously. He turned back to Deidara with eyes saying, "He worships me, punk."

Deidara grumbled, middle-fingered Sasori and done. "Come on! We don't want to screw this mission, now, do we? Let's get my dad, handcuff him, and carry him with a sack!" Deidara stormed to the road behind Sasori, only to be held on the collar by the red-headed puppet master. "Hey! Lemme go! You're chokin' me!" Deidara quarreled.

"I believe that's not where the bar is, clay-brain. Show us the way."

"Well, you seem to know where we're going. You've been here before." Deidara retorted.

"Yeah, but I'm getting rusty so I can hardly remember anything about this village. You! You born and raised here! You shoulda got the village mapped into your brain cells! Now show us where the bar is and that would _definitely_ make our lives easier. Don't you just want it?" Sasori's last sentence sizzled like an alien upchuck that made Deidara twitch whenever he used that kind of tone.

"Shut up. Fine…follow me." Deidara bitterly walked and lead his two comrades to their destination. They walked cautiously, as they were still wearing their Akatsuki signature outfit. Despite that the only people that roamed the village around in this time were drinkers and insomniacs, they still had to put their guard up. It's a pro criminal ninja thing.

After a couple of walks, U-turns, and a smash on the head by an angered Sasori, Deidara popped his head from the lamp post's guard followed by Sasori then Kujira. Deidara used his left eye cynocular (there are such things as binoculars because they're designed for _TWO_ eyes. This is _ONE_ eye. Spyglass is too big) to zoom-in the view of the bar his father worked at. He tried to find the name of the bar and it was just a breeze. The name of the bar was too big, too scintillating, and too obvious to be simply ignored. The name was made of arranged Technicolor neon lamps saying, 'Madame Genevieve Dinner and Show'.

"That's it, that's the bar." Deidara affirmed.

"Who's Madame Genevieve? I thought this bar is owned by your father." Kujira asked.

"It is. Genevieve is uh…the star! Yeah! Shall we go?" Deidara asked, mainly to Sasori; even so, deep down, he was hoping that Sasori got distracted by something. Too bad, no puppets around to distract the maestro.

"Isn't it obvious, clayface? We're going in. _Henge!_" Sasori made a hand seal and transformed his clothing from the Akatsuki cloak into an ebony-tinted suit. As a touch-up, he wore his—what was called by Deidara—nerd glasses. Why he owns such a thing, you ask? Well…you'll see why in the future. "You too, Kujira."

"_Henge!_" Kujira exclaimed and in a puff of a ninja smoke, he suddenly wore a trench coat that looked too old on him.

"Can't you wear something…less murderous and less sizeable?" Sasori asked, sweat-dropping.

"Why? I think it's cool! It is kinda heavy though…" Kujira protested.

"Damn, don't your mother taught you fashion?" Deidara asked, half-sneering.

"Yeah…woman's fashion and I'm nowhere near woman. My whole life is filled with women! My sensei is a woman, my mother, even my teammates are girls! I never knew my father and Kisame-san is too distant for me to consult fashion with!" Kujira ranted.

"Wait, I thought the arrangement is two boys and one girl per team!"

"I used to have a male teammate, but he died early. He was the only male I ever know living near my house. So I adopt his sense of fashion whenever I don't become myself, like now! The coat is his daily attribute!"

"Well, guess what, your friend's fashion sucks even more! Here, let me give you something!" Deidara transformed Kujira's coat into something modern and less suspicious. A simple t-shirt and jeans never disappoint their wearer, don't they?

Now that everyone's changed in a matter of seconds, it was time to hit the road and have some—

"Ooh! Pinocchio!" Sasori squealed. Apparently, just a few yards from the bar, there was a DVD store. The small TV on the front display was currently the special edition of the classic cartoon Pinocchio. Pinocchio was the only cartoon that Sasori ever liked. He claimed to be highly amazed by Gepetto's wonders and marvel in making an actual living puppet without using any dead body. Persuaded, Sasori entered the store.

"Phew!" Deidara whistled, wiping his forehead from an inexistent sweat. "Saved by the animation!"

"C'mon, let's kidnap your dad." Sasori muttered, pocketing his newly-bought Pinocchio DVD.

"OK—WHOA!! How-what-why…_HOW_ did you get here so fast? You were there and-and…" Deidara trailed off and smacked his forehead on the nearest postal box.

"Pick up the pace, clayface. Wow, it rhymed!"

"Nice one, Dana!" Kujira and Sasori knocked their fists on each other. Could this be…a genesis of an unlikely friendship?

* * *

"Phweeet!!!" That was Kujira's finger whistle. He apparently enjoyed the singing more than the food, even though they didn't taste so bad. It was probably because of the songs sung were his favorites. Let's say…first track: Westlife's _Bop Bop Baby_, second track: Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat's _Lucky_, until the sixth track: Whitney Houston's _I Will Always Love You_. On the contrary, Deidara disliked them all. He was more inclined to rock and metal, just like that brother of Tobi.

Sasori clapped at the last performance before nudging his blonde partner. "Where's your dad?" he asked.

"I don't think he'll show up." Deidara replied, hoping what he said would be true.

"Ladies and gentlemen," said the announcer, "Please welcome, the owner of this dinner and show: Madame Genevieve!"

"YEEEAAAAHH!!!" Kujira applauded, probably the loudest amongst the audience. But then he abruptly stopped and glared at Deidara who gulped. "You've tricked me!" Kujira yowled and pounced onto Deidara, scraping long cuts to the sculptor. The other audience stared at the two with a big sweat dangling on their heads. Sasori just huffed and pretended like he didn't know them.

The curtain folded open, revealing a blonde woman with curly waist-length hair wearing a long red jewel-sparkly gown. She wore a fake (yet with real feathers) white angel's wings. She smiled sexily and threw a red rose which fell right to Sasori's hands, much to other men's jealousy and Deidara's surprise. She winked at the red-head before greeting her guests with a melodic, "Hello, everybody!" and started to blab about personal experiences that brought laughter to the whole bar.

Sasori twirled the rose in his wooden hands as Deidara struggled to climb up the seat he previously sat on before Kujira tackled him and bruised him. "That must be your dad, isn't it?"

"What the-why a-what the-how d'you-what?! _No!_ He is NOT my dad!" Deidara snapped and pouted.

"You said 'he' then she is your dad." Sasori's reply boomeranged Deidara smack dab on the nose.

"He is not a she! And, OK, _that_ is my dad! _He_ was the one who raised me as a single motherfucking parent! Happy that I confess, woodblock?!"

Sasori smirked, indicating that he was indeed happy with Deidara's confession. "Just enjoy the show." Sasori replied indifferently, rotating Deidara's head to face the stage where Madame Genevieve had started to sing a ballad. Frustrated, Deidara smacked his head onto the table and covered his ears. The ballad…was damaging his drums. Plus, her performance somehow brought bitter memories to the front lawn of Deidara's 'I Remember House', particularly about gowns and thick make-ups.

* * *

It was eleven p.m. and the bar was closed already. Madame Genevieve sighed in her dressing room and sat in front of her dressing table. She stared at the mirror that reflected her flawless white face. She smiled and rested her chin on the back of her hands. "Look who's decided to come home and pay a visit." she said calmly. "There's only one reason that would make you come home and visit your good ol' father."

"I'm here not for some annual homecoming, Dad. I'm here for—"

"I know, a mission." Genevieve cut. "Well, what are you waiting for? Seize me, baby."

Sasori stepped affront and grabbed Genevieve's arm. Genevieve twirled until she reached to Sasori's embrace. The puppet maestro glanced at Deidara, "Blow it, now."

Deidara frowned looking at his father's position with his partner. After letting out a little growl, he muttered, "Heads up. _Katsu!_" The ceiling exploded and at the same time, Deidara created a giant clay eagle. "C'mon! Before we're squished under the debris!"

They all mounted up onto Deidara's clay eagle. Sasori kept Genevieve close and gripped her wrist so that people would be convinced that they kidnapped their number one entertainer. "Aren't you gonna spice up the situation? You're kidnapped, remember?"

"Oh! Right!" she snickered. Again, Deidara was slightly disturbed at them. "AAAIIIEE!! HELP ME! I'M KIDNAPPED, FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Genevieve screeched. "How's that?"

"Perfect. Aw, look…they're after us."

Deidara smacked his face and his hand drooped down his face, pulling the skin with it before it bounced back to position. "Would you guys cut that out?!" he snapped. "You guys are making me sick!"

Kujira raised his hand, as if no one would pay attention to him if he didn't do so. "I agree with Deidara-san! You guys look like my sensei when she's with her boyfriend!" Kujira complained.

Out of the blue, Deidara choked and gagged, confusing the young humanoid Keiko. He smacked Kujira on the back of his head. "OW! What did I do?"

"You scar my fucking mind! Oh my lord…" Deidara whimpered, massaging his head with all his ten fingers.

Genevieve giggled and cupped Deidara's cheeks, much to the younger blonde's dismay. "You silly boy. Ever since I was born, I'll always incline to women. Even before I became a woman myself." Playfully (and slightly roughly), she slapped Deidara's left cheek.

"That…makes you a lesbian?" Kujira inquired.

"Hmm…if you put it that way." Genevieve shrugged.

"Nevertheless, you're always beautiful." Sasori cooed, playing with Deidara's 'father's' golden locks. The 'father' giggled and pushed Sasori's chest.

"Ohohoho…Sasori-dana, you're such a player!"

Deidara rolled his eyes, mumbling, "Yeah, that's because you look like Pamela Anderson." Poor Deidara…and more unfortunately, the two kept talking flirtatiously that both Deidara and Kujira got so sick and had to land on the nearest river to hurl their dinner earlier. "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT TALKING LIKE THAT!?!?! It's disgusting! Now put a sock in it!"

Genevieve rolled her eyes and pounded Deidara upside the head, "Why do you have to complain with such force and power? I'm right here and you scream your desperation like a lion going to war."

"How can I not?" Deidara snarled. For a brief five seconds, his hair turned frizzy like a lion's mane.

"Anyway, Madame, since I think we're pretty much in a private place, how about you tell me what I want to know? What's up with Tsuchigake and his plans? I heard he's planning on waging war too." Sasori leaned to a tree while Genevieve sat on Deidara's bird's wing.

"Indeed, he's planning on waging war with the neighboring country. I asked him when I got my chance and he said he won't need any help and he'd rule the whole world using his own hands and army. That means he will annihilate Akatsuki if we decide to put our hands in his mission. Of course, that also means that he's now interfering with our goal."

While his 'father' talked, Deidara couldn't help but to gape at her. He had smelled something fishy ever since the start of their kidnapping mission, but as of this far, it was way too fishy—especially after the recent explanation. Finally, Deidara's curiosity broke free and he just had to ask, "Whoa, wait a second! So-so-so…this mission has been a fake kidnap mission? So…so…what's Dad doing and what the hell? Hold on! Dana! You know this all along?!?!"

Sasori only skewed his eyebrows and sighed, "I really have no clue of what you're talking about. Let me explain…" he inhaled deep, "Your father has been an Akatsuki undercover agent for years. He's not the only one; we have lots of undercover agents throughout the world. What they do is the same: they tell us information and in return we—Pein-sama, I mean—pay them. They're still employees anyway."

Deidara gaped at his father who nodded in agreement. Meanwhile, Sasori continued, "She was also the one who recommended you to become an Akatsuki member. And one more thing…I've known him since my teenage years."

Deidara had had enough of astounding truth and facts and his legs couldn't sustain him from the pressure; he collapsed to the ground, though his conscience was still alive. He stuttered, "Y-you…recommended me?"

Genevieve picked her son and cuddled him, somewhat in a nauseating manner that made Kujira's stomach twice as swirly as before. You could even see the roses and flower petals raining around them and hear a sentimental violin solo in the background. "I'm so sorry, my child. I never intend to sell you like this. All I want is you to become a better man! And your explosive clay is killing me, so I need some place where you can explode them as much as you want! Please forgive this beautiful, fashionista, transsexual father of yours!"

"In short, you want me gone, isn't it?" Deidara concluded blankly.

"No, my son! As much as you are loud, hot-temper, and idiotic, I would never want you gone just like" she snapped her fingers "that! I still love you as a parent, sweety…" She cuddled him more, which she didn't realize that her son actually despised it.

"OK! OK! Just stop cuddling me like I'm your puppetry one-day-boyfriend there!" Deidara swished his arms and pushed his father away from him. He dusted his cloak together with saying, "So what now? We've kidnapped my dad, got those scandalous information…heard your failing attempt in sounding sweet and romantic…now what do we do?"

"We go home and report to Pein-sama. Climb up, boys." Sasori commanded. Before he mounted Deidara's giant clay bird, Genevieve pulled his sleeve. "What is it?"

"Please take care of him. Don't let him get in too much trouble." Genevieve pleaded.

Sasori scoffed, "Even with my protection, he still couldn't keep away from trouble. Like last week…where he ruined the kitchen and Pein-sama's brunch." After the end of the sentence, Deidara gave him a flying kick but was effectively blocked singlehandedly by the puppet master himself. Kujira 'ooh'ed and clapped in awe.

"Well…that's Deidara for you. I guess you have to put him on a leash."

"DAD!!" Deidara whined, frowning deeply.

Genevieve grinned and the bird flapped its wings, taking its departure from Iwagakure and the Earth Country. She waved her last farewell at the two Akatsuki and their apprentice and the bird flew away. In flight, Deidara mumbled, "Thank God…the short flirting between you and my dad ends! Hey, is it OK to leave him there?"

"She's a great woman, she'll be fine. And why are you still calling her 'him'?" Sasori answered before he launched his own question.

"It should be 'why are you calling him 'her'?', not the other way around, you woodblock!" Deidara shouted.

"Now I understand how you look so much like a woman, Deidara-san!" Kujira stated cheerfully, earning him a sharp, devastated glare from Deidara.

Meanwhile on the ground…Genevieve sighed, "Phewh…thank God, no more 'kaboom' and its kin!"

* * *

**LOL! This is one of my favorite chapters. It's so fun to write though the images of Sasori and Deidara's dad holding each other in a Tamaki Suoh-Host Club Client way creeps me out. And why do I have this feeling that Sasori would make a good friend for Kujira? In my head, they look adorable together—as friends. As of in this chapter, I don't know whether I just ruined Sasori's image again *sweatdrops*.**

**Next in Kujira: The Cetacean Goofball: There's a carnival near Amegakure and Akatsuki turns wild wild west!**

_**Bloopers:**_

Sasori: What the hell did you write on my helmet?

"_Boom Boom Pow Akasuna"_


	4. Hillbilly Chaos

**[3] Hillbilly Chaos [3]**

"Yocchaaaa~n!!!" the familiar sound of Akatsuki's number one boxing dummy echoed behind Akatsuki's number one flyer's back. They had been together for seven months now and thus far only had one unsuccessful date. However, the flying bear-hugs still ensue until this very day in a windy summer. Damn climate changes…

"UGH!" Yoru grunted as Tobi's heavier weight slammed her whole being to the floor. It wasn't this 'fierce' before they were together, but after that particular day when Pein was made sick by coincidental issues, Yoru had got used to this kind of thing. The only thing she couldn't stop doing every time Tobi flings her an over-passionate hug was the unlady grunt.

"Yocchan?" Madara, who was walking few yards behind the now sprawling couple, asked.

"It's a new pet name for me ever since three seconds ago…" Yoru mumbled with her mouth pressed to the shoe-tasting floor. She lifted herself with her arms while Tobi was still hanging on her back. "Would you get _off_ of me?" she hissed.

Bouncing off his girlfriend's back (Yoru grunted again), Tobi excitedly say, "Yoru-chan! Yoru-chan! How about Yoru-chan call Tobi with something cute?! How about Tobi-pon? Or-or—" he was cut by Yoru clapping his shoulder.

"No, thanks. I'll stick to the old fashion way. Calling pet names make me sound…stupid…"

Tobi's posture drooped and inside his mask he frowned when Madara passed, laughing. "HAHAHAHA!! Tobi-pon…yeah, that does sound like a retard! HAHA! I'd rather call him Tobi-pyo if I were you!"

"OK, Madara. We got the point already." Yoru sighed.

"Sorry…I just can't resist." Madara ended his laughing fit with a wheeze.

The three of them finally arrived at the most favorite spot in the Akatsuki base: the dining room! There were the others, especially the morning people: Kakuzu, Konan, Pein, and Kisame. Sasori was there too, but he only came to enjoy the talking since he spent his nighttime alone in the dark watching _forbidden shows_, if you know what I mean. Madara, Tobi, and Yoru took their usual seats and coincidentally (well, not really coincidental, it's been there since the beginning of the year) she saw that the red 'X' marks on the calendar were getting close to one particular date. She stared blankly at it for a moment or two until Kakuzu purposely knocked her shin with his bare toes. Yoru snapped out of her ponderings and glanced confusedly at the stitched bounty hunter. "Huh?"

"You're planning something, Yoru?" Kakuzu asked, lowering the daily newspaper slightly from covering his face.

Yoru smiled and shook her head. Her uncertainty showed up again when she scratched the back of her head, "Well, the thing is…it's two days ahead."

"What is?" Kakuzu asked again; this time, Tobi heard their conversation and decided to join them.

"My birthday is two days ahead."

"BIRTHDAY?!?!" Tobi yelped in disbelief, startling the whole people in the dining room. Lucky that Deidara was still snoozing in his bedroom, otherwise something agonizingly sharp would be flying to the back of his head straight. He shook Yoru while she wasn't yet recover from getting a buzz shock from his sudden outburst. "It's Yoru-chan's birthday on Monday?! YOWZA! Tobi gotta buy Yoru-chan a really awesome present!" Tobi twittered with full of dynamism.

"Um, you don't really have to buy me anything. A simple 'Happy birthday' is enough for me." Yoru softly tried to refuse, though she was kind of curious of having her birthday party celebrated. For years, she celebrated her birthday alone, even sometimes she forgot that it was her birthday if she didn't look at the calendar. Last time she had her birthday celebrated was when she was six.

"Ah! Then that saves a lot of effort and money for me!" Kakuzu exclaimed with much relief. He ignored Yoru's bitter gaze at him as he continued to read his morning paper.

"But Tobi will be a bad boy if he doesn't give presents to someone that Tobi likes!" Tobi protested, pulling Yoru to a spine-crushing hug.

"OK…if you insist…" Yoru pushed Tobi away and took a deep inhale. "Actually…" she added, "it's kinda sweet of you." she smiled.

"Yippee! Tobi gets to buy Yoru-chan a birthday present!" Tobi clapped his hands happily and soon afterwards he started thinking. However, it wasn't Tobi if he didn't ask for one or more clues. "Um, um, Yoru-chan…does Yoru-chan likes jewelries?" he asked. He felt a little bit guilty for asking when he noticed Yoru's wide-eyed expression, but his pessimistic thoughts turned to be wrong.

"Not the really expensive ones. So…nope. No diamonds or anything of that sort. Except…I'm interested with John Hammond's stone on the end of his staff. You know, the one with a mosquito in it."

"Now that's hard to find. Bah, I ain't wasting my time searching for it, even if it's less than fifty bucks." Kakuzu huffed and flipped his newspaper to a new page.

"I thought you don't wanna buy me anything." Yoru replied, kicking Kakuzu's leg. "Seriously, Tobi, it doesn't have to be _that_ flashy. I told you, you don't have to buy me anything!"

"But Tobi wanna!" Tobi insisted more. He even raised his volume to an unnecessary level.

Madara approached Yoru and whispered, "Just let him. In the end, he'll give you something that comes closest to his flow of mind." Madara strolled back to his chair and spread peanut butter on his toast, just right when Kujira stepped in, yawning really wide…like a humpback whale. Behind him, Itachi followed.

"Mornin'…" he greeted drowsily.

"Hey. Sleeping late again, are you, Kowappa?" Kisame asked. Deep inside, Kisame was sighing exasperatedly. "What've you been doing last night?"

Yawn. "I suddenly got a dream of being 'kissed' by Dementors and Harry Potter couldn't save me then I woke up. I realized how grumpy my stomach was so I decided to go out of the room and eat something. I then met Sasori-dana and we watched TV together until three in the morning."

There was a series of mishaps suddenly crashed upon the whole dining room and the kitchen: Pein added the fork he was using to eat as his piercing; Kisame and Madara dropped their coffee mugs and in Madara's case, the coffee reached Zetsu who just got in to the dining room; Kakuzu's newspapers suddenly dropped like a tree got logged; Konan was making flapjacks for Tobi when it suddenly flew out of control and landed on her head; Itachi froze—as simple as that; Yoru not just cut the tomato she intended to eat with her sandwich, but also the plate underneath it; Tobi's brainwaves of presents were put to an abrupt screeching stop; Hidan was taking his twins a bath, so no mishaps for him; Deidara was still asleep and would probably continue sleeping if he heard what Kujira said earlier. Sasori…he just rolled his eyes as if that gesture was the part of his life—which it was and still is.

Kisame grabbed Sasori's collar and shot him a you-taught-my-nephew-bad-things-then-you-shall-be-in-hell glare. "What have you done to him?! What in the name of the Kraken did you watch with him?!" Kisame bellowed, fumes literally evaporating from his nose and ears.

"_Superman Returns._" Sasori answered half-heartedly.

"What the hell?"

"That's right, Kisame-san! After that I went back to sleep and Superman defeats the Dementors! The end!" Kujira chirped, now he wasn't that drowsy anymore.

"That's a funny dream." Madara remarked. "I can't imagine Superman saying _'Expecto Patronum'_ and holds a wand. I wonder what his wand is made of."

"Yellow Kryptonite?" Shiro, the side who didn't got scalded by Madara's hot coffee, suggested. "Maybe that one gives Superman magic powers."

"Yeah, and then Spandexman kills himself by accident. You know Superman cannot resist magic." Kuro added, covering his side with an ice pack. He yelped and hissed every time the pain stung his sensitive floral nerves.

Madara rolled his eyes upon hearing the twin/bipolar compact arguing about Superman and his non-resistance against magic. "I shouldn't have said that…" he sighed exasperatedly. "Anyway…Sasori, Kujira," he ordered; the two people he called stared at him. "Report to the office at ten and, Sasori, make sure Deidara gets this or else I'm gonna fry his ass with you as the lumber."

"Sir, yes, sir." Sasori replied lazily.

Madara nodded, sat, and glowered over the real boss. "You're here but why do _I_ have to pass on the message, Corleone?" Madara snarled at the younger leader of Akatsuki. He quitted being a leader for the very reason that contained leisure and alcohols, but instead being a secretary was just as heavy as being the president. Look at the good side, at least he didn't have to contend with inane paper works that usually comprised rants and complains from the villagers of Amegakure. We all know that Madara's number one unloved thing in the world is rants—despite that he himself ranted quite a lot, especially when it comes to Tobi and his half-wittiness.

Pein smirked smugly, sending an uncomfortable surge of impression to Madara. He used to have no courage to throw that kind of smirk, but now that he was holding the steering wheel, he could do it as often as possible. "They wouldn't listen to me. You're the dictator type, Madara, so I count on you."

Madara buried half of his face in his hand. "Sayonara, free alcoholic times…" he whimpered.

* * *

Madara peeked from the bathroom after urinating. He looked to the left. He looked to the right. He looked up. He looked down. He looked to his back. He looked straight. Then he was confident enough to step out of the toilet slash bathroom and walked to the opposite direction from where he came from before going to the bathroom slash toilet. He was pretty successful; passing the Konan-guarded kitchen or the other rooms that has 'usual guardians'. Much to his disappointment, Akatsuki had a vacant week currently. Finally, after a few tiptoes, sliding, and breath-holding, Madara reached his point of destination: the backdoor to the village.

"Hey, Madara! UWAAA—" Tobi greeted friendly but was then tackled to the ground by a pouncing Madara. Before he could complete his shouting, Madara closed his mouth by pressing his palm over his brother's mouth. "Hmmf ffm mmm?" Tobi asked.

Madara sharply shushed him and Tobi timidly nodded. Using his other hand, Madara pulled a handkerchief (it just happened to be inside his pocket) and tied Tobi's mouth. He looked around again, looking for signs of attracted attentions.

Silence. But it was not over!

Harshly, he hauled Tobi over his shoulder and carried him outside the base through the backdoor and out to Amegakure. Mutely, he opened the door, skulked out, and closed it. He still didn't consider being on the other side of the door was a safe distance to talk so he put down Tobi—due to his inability to carry Tobi for few more seconds—and dragged his brother until they were about ten yards from the base. He opened the handkerchief's knot, enabling Tobi to blabber again.

"What was that all about, Madara? If Madara wants to take a stroll, why not just tell Tobi in the first place?" Tobi asked crossly. What he received in return was a smack on the back of his head. "OW!! Now what?!"

"It's easy for you to say. You can get out anytime you want, even without telling Pein! Well, my case is different! That jackass with piercings locked me forever in the damn base with limited supplies of liquor and limited time to go shopping! Unlike Konan or your girlfriend 'Yocchan', my shopping time is only five seconds which means one slow step to the office's door or ten normal steps to the door or twenty-three quick steps from my seat out the office OR fifty exaggerated indoor marathon to my room _only_." Madara ended his sentence with an angry-dog type of stress.

"Oh…" Tobi responded speechlessly. "If Madara wants to buy beers, Madara can always request to Tobi. Tobi will gladly buy them for Madara, because Madara is Tobi's brother and brothers love each other!"

Madara's stomach whisked upon hearing the last phrase from Tobi and soon afterwards, he gagged. "Please…by the love of everything's divine, do _NOT_ say that again. I know we're brothers but the way you say it makes us sound more than just 'brothers'. It's as if you're trying to cheat with me."

"Ew!!! Madara, are you outta your mind?!" Tobi bellowed.

"Oh, you understand what 'cheat' means, now? You do realize I wasn't talking about our last night's Scrabble or the codes you got from the Internet, don't you?"

"Tobi will never betray Yoru-chan! NEVER!" Tobi wildly flapped his arms.

"Yep, you understand." Madara sighed dramatically, "Kids grow so fast these days…. I blame the movies."

The brothers sauntered until they reached the street where Konan usually buy the groceries. Madara went in to that store while Tobi spotted the new toy store just across the grocery store. He wandered inside, looking at a large variety of toys in one section. Action figures…Yoru liked action figures. Tobi took one but he put it back where it was. The problem was: Yoru has more action figures than the toy store itself. After joining the infamous criminal organization, Yoru used her chances to collect her collectibles of wonder by either ways of life. In one chance, she stole them; in another chance, she bought them. Although, there were also rare occasions where she won a lottery or found an abandoned _Armada _Rodimus Prime in a trash can.

Well, enough about Yoru and her collectibles-collecting adventure; this was about Tobi, but I blabbed. Tobi continued his meandering escapade in the toy store, looking for the right object to buy and wrapped. He took a turn to a new division of animal-shaped toys. His neck craning up and down, left and right, still searching for the ideal present. It was not until he landed his eyes on a particular shelf. The shelf was full of perfection—an exceedingly expensive perfection. Tobi never saw a toy _that_ expensive. Even Kakuzu, who never cared about toys, would start swearing in Spanish and Martian and suddenly called a lawyer and sued the toy's manufacturer. Gulping the hardest in this year, Tobi checked the contents of his wallet.

More gulps.

"Zoinks…" Tobi squeaked. Lifelessly, he waded his way out from the toy store. He needed _budget._ And there was only one trustworthy enough to give him a certain amount of budget: his own brother.

"…No. Way…" Madara answered coldly, imbibing his newly bought Sake.

"Aw, why?!" the kid whined, disappointed that his demand which he plead with puppy eyes failed to impress his brother into giving him his salary earlier. Maybe it was because his puppy eyes were concealed by his orange swirly mask and tears simply won't trickle from his mask without bending down.

"Cuz I said so and it's not the end of the month yet. No buts." the colder and meaner of them twins replied quickly.

"Madara is so cheap…" Tobi huffed, pocketing his hands as the brothers walked back to the base, slowly…

"Want money? Work!" Madara snapped at Tobi and accelerated the pace of his previously casual promenade.

"Work? Where?" As quickly as the word ends, the solution dawned before Tobi's eyes, sticking on a lamp post. A flier; an advertisement. Tobi tilted his head, indicating his sheer curiosity. This gesture reminds Madara of his pet cockatoo, Merlin. The flier said:

_**COME!!!**_

_To Amegakure's most fun festival EVER!_

_It's in the opening!  
It's wild!  
It's thrilling!  
It's…practically fun!!!_

_Just come over to the Raindrop Square this Sunday! Just a few yards outside the west gate, near a big cave with a big boulder covering it! There will be:  
__**- Costume parties  
- Race  
- Contests  
- And, of course, PRIZES. In any kind that you're thinking of—including money**_

_So whip the lash, wear your boots to…_

_Ame Country and Cowboys Fiesta!!_

_IT'S A-MOO-SING!_

Tobi's only visible eye from his mask twinkled in hope. He put a fist on top of his other opened hand palm in a gesture of comprehension. "Tobi knows what to do! Yeah! Tobi's gonna win the prize!" With that flaming vigor, Tobi ran after Madara, shouting about prizes until Madara had to tie the same handkerchief over his mouth again. Unknown to Tobi, someone else had aimed the prize…

* * *

"Country and Cowboys Fiesta? They actually open these kinds of things?" Kisame scratched his head in confusion when Tobi showed him the flier he found in the streets.

"Yeah! We all should go to the fiesta! It's going to be fun! We don't want to sit down at home and do nothing, now, do we?" Tobi persuaded. Most of the members were considering his words, but there was one person who _always_ looked apathetic to parties—and you know who this person is.

"I don't know, man. I like staying indoors and eat chips." Itachi mumbled.

Deidara groaned, "Dude, you always sit everything out! You need to get out, man! Look—look at your legs, godammit! I never see a man's legs that horrible! I mean—"

"Hey, I shaved them, OK!" Itachi retorted.

"I wasn't talking about your hairless legs, you moron! You're getting _FATTER_!" Deidara ended his sentence with a roar that spat at Itachi's face.

Itachi indifferently glanced down to his legs and swung them back and forth. "I don't see any fat. Anyways, it's going to reduce once I get a mission." Itachi leaned to the back of the sofa and started to switch off his 'human tolerance' button.

At which point Pein entered the conversation where Tobi showed him the flier and bragged about going to the carnival. Pein stared at the flier displeased. "You can't go." he deadpanned. The whole wanna-go members went Scream-like, especially Tobi. "I need you guys at home, so no one can go—despite that it's in Sunday! Now back to your stations!"

Arms flaccid on their sides, the once energized Akatsuki returned to their stations (which could means the kitchen, outside on the garden, or in each individual's rooms), having their hopes and dreams demolished by a huge alloy metal ball made of Pein's disallowing words. On the dark corner, Madara watched them treading away. He sighed and shook his head.

Following them behind, after they walked far enough from Pein's sense of hearing, Madara stopped them.

* * *

_The next evening…_

Stepping out after a fifteen-minute afternoon bath, Pein made his way, drying his hair and whistling, to the living room where he expected to watch his favorite weekly show on the television. That show happened to be _Heroes_; a show that is pretty much contradicted him and his organization—well, except for Sylar and Petrelli Senior and some other villains.

The show started—the signature solar eclipse that fractured with the 'S' symbol and title replaced from _Heroes _into _Villains_. In contentment, Pein's feet wavered to lie on the coffee table in front of him. "Hey, Deidara! The show's started!" Pein called. After a handful of noiseless seconds, Pein looked over his shoulder, eyebrows aligned differently against each other. He went to the kitchen—empty. Every rooms—empty—except one.

"Hey! I need privacy!" Itachi yelled. He was currently renewing his nail polish.

"Sorry." Pein half-heartedly apologized. "Uh, do you have any idea where the others went to?"

"If I'm not mistaken, Madara ushered them to the carnival. Everyone follows him, except me." Itachi answered without diverting his eyes from his nails.

"Including Hidan's twins? And Konan?" Pein asked again.

"Yep. All of them."

Pein concluded the conversation with a closed door. He cupped his chin, thinking whether he had to chase after them or not. He may have the authority, but… "What the hell… I can use some solitude once in a while." As he walked back to resume watching _Heroes, _a smirk full of idea was pulled.

Itachi's throat was drying up; thence the Uchiha went to the kitchen to earn a bottle of cold water as well as eating some dinner. On the way there, he heard some noises that somewhat eerily familiar. Itachi put his guard up and walked silently and slower. The sound came from the living room where Pein was. If it were an enemy, then Pein should be able to beat it to pulp. But would a fighting sequence be sounding like what Itachi heard right now? That was what Itachi wanted to know too. Stealthily, Itachi leaned his body and his eyes ready to catch any glimpse of chaos—only the chaos was not like he thought it would be. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" Itachi shrieked and rocketed to the backdoor of the Akatsuki HQ, but he wasn't really exiting through the door—he exited on the bare wall beside the door frame, creating a hole of his scramming silhouette.

"What the heck was that?" Ikari asked, clinging to Pein's neck.

"Probably a rat." Pein answered quickly.

Well, you have a pretty good idea what Pein and Ikari were doing right now.

* * *

"Hey, we made it!" Deidara declared. Few other people behind him witnessed the brown and leathery wonders of the Country and Cowboys Fiesta and their smiles widened. "Wow, you're right, Tobi! It looks quite fun!"

"Ehee! Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi chirped, raising both of his hands to the air. "Let's have some fun! Madara! Yoru-chan! C'mon!"

"WAIT FOR MEEE!!!" a scream of a familiar person darted at them. All heads turned to see a terrified Itachi rocketing towards the bunch of criminals. Five yards before greeting the bunch, Itachi pulled his brakes and screeched to a stop right in front of Kisame. He gripped Kisame's front and panted. "Let—me—breathe—" he puffed.

"Take it easy, Itachi-san. The party's just begun." Kisame patted his partner's back comfortingly.

"By the way, 'Tachi-san, what changes your mind? You decided to have an exercise?" Kujira asked innocently. What he got in return was a deathly glare from the younger Uchiha. Frightened, Kujira seek protection behind Sasori and Deidara's back.

"Don't. Effing. Ask." Itachi hissed.

"Now, now, Itachi-san. Don't be so mean to the kid. He's just asking." Kisame comforted. "By the way, Kujira's right—what changes your mind?"

"You heard me: don't ask!"

Konan raised an eyebrow, "Lemme guess…Pein uses the chance of being alone and invites his girlfriend instead of chasing after us, is that it? And you saw them do 'things' just in time, didn't you?"

Itachi bitterly nodded, eyes still gloomed with scarring images. "I need refreshment—immediately."

Deidara grinned mischievously, genially pulled Itachi's arm and brought him to the first country fun he wanted to try while saying comforting words such as: "That ride looks fun. Why don't we give it a shot and have fun, eh, Itachi?" Must we remember that Itachi and Deidara were rivals and each even considered themselves as enemies; therefore, looking at Deidara being friendly with the younger Uchiha got into the 'far-fetched' category in Akatsuki's book.

Sasori sighed, tilting his head skyward. He turned to Madara, nodding quickly, "I better watch them out. Try to make sure they won't end up ruining the whole fun stand." Sasori rushed after them. Kujira followed him, cheering merrily.

"Now what do we do?" Madara asked the remaining.

"I think we better split in two groups—three with the four of them." Konan suggested.

"Oh! Oh! Tobi is taking Yoru-chan with him! Tobi will follow Yoru-chan wherever she goes."

"Isn't it the other way around, Tobi?" Yoru sweat-dropped. She quickly recovered from her awkwardness as she turned to the tallest member of Akatsuki. "You wanna come with us, Kisame? I'm pretty sure what Kakuzu's after would be quite boring. He probably put some bets on the horse race."

"Don't look so lowly at me." Kakuzu replied gingerly, crossing his arms.

Hidan scoffed, "She's got the point."

"Shut up."

"I think I'll follow Kakuzu. Putting bets isn't so bad. Maybe, Hidan, you should come with us. Well, you don't necessarily have to watch them. Just keep your boys entertained." Madara added.

"That's why I bring Konan with me!" Hidan grinned, pulling Konan on the upper arm. "She's my new babysitter!"

"What?! You better pay me!" Konan snapped.

"Zetsu, how about you? Oh, let me warn you first: you can't go alone. We don't trust you to wander off all by yourself." Konan said to the bipolar.

"Darn it!" Kuro swore. "I wanna eat raw cow! Or a rodeo! Or-or a lasso player!"

Rolling his eyes heavenward, Shiro answered, "We'll follow Tobi's group. That makes four of us each group, right?"

"Five." Kuro corrected resentfully.

"Six for Group 3!" Shiro shot back.

"OK. We'll meet at the last event which is the Bull Race at nine-thirty. Make sure if any of us meets Itachi and the others, tell them where we're supposed to meet. Right, we're dismissed! See you at nine-thirty!" Madara concluded.

"RACE!" Kakuzu hollered vigorously. Out of innocence, Arata and Benjiro raised their hands followed with a squeal. Hidan laughed at his twin's behavior.

* * *

Group 1—which consists of Itachi, Deidara, Sasori and Kujira—arrived on one stable-like stand called 'The Master of Rodeo'. From its name, Deidara immediately knew what the stand was about. He grinned at his unquestionably correct guess and pulled Itachi's uninterested wrist toward the particular game. "This is gonna be a lotta fun! C'mon, guys! Our party has just begun!"

"I remember Kisame said the same thing few minutes ago…" Itachi mumbled coldly.

"Damn, man, you sure are the unfunniest member!" Deidara ranted. As soon as the word ended, a manly squeal broke through the racket of the crowd. Said racket ceased in a split second as a man plunged to the sky disappeared among the vast garden of stars. Silence…then the racket went on again, mostly laughing at the skyrocketing man. Turning to his companions, Deidara's grin widened, followed by Kujira's orca-esque toothy grin and Sasori's eye roll. Itachi said and looked nothing.

"That looks like hell lotta fun!" Kujira chimed. "I wanna go! I wanna go!" he raised his hands high in order for the guy who managed the stand noticed him. Unfortunately, he was too short to get noticed and instead Deidara—who also raised his hand—got chosen. "Aw, man!"

"Watch out, fellow Akatsuki! I, Deidara-danna, will ride that animatronic beast and conquer it! Behold my awesomeness!" With the same vigor, he mounted the robotic brown bull. He whooped and almost lost his grip on the reign when it started to bounce here and there. For the first thirty seconds, all spectators watched with amazement. Yeah, well, until ten seconds later—"KAAAAATSUU!!!" Deidara's fate found the same road as the previous bull rider when the robot bull whipped its rear the highest. Only if the previous guy plunged into a star, Deidara was a man-size meteor.

The same accursed silence engulfed the stand and a few yards in radius. It lasted short as Sasori snorted and laughed hysterically, crouching on the ground and madly hitting the bricked road without hurting his own hand. Now all eyes were directed at the red-headed puppet maestro. Discomfited, Itachi pushed Sasori as far away from him yet their distinguished cloak made it hard for people to ignore the fact that the laughing maniac was with him and the Orca boy.

"How are we supposed to find Deidara-san?" Kujira asked, poking on Itachi's arm.

"Don't ask me! I'm no tracker dog!"

The crowd and the remaining trio of Akatsuki heard a heavy one-man stampede going to their way. Itachi plainly looked at ever-wide-eyed Kujira who looked back at him. Much to none of their surprise, Deidara screeched to halt with an alligator glomming the top of his head with its snare-like snout. The blonde himself was heavily soaked. The pang of knowing struck Itachi's mind; he remembered there was a river somewhere outside the village's border. Perhaps…Deidara landed in the water? The only thing Itachi was clueless about was the alligator. He thought the river was full of piranha.

"HAHA! Meteora is back!" Sasori chortled still, annoying a tall man beside him.

"You look like having _fun_." Itachi commented mockingly, earning him a carnivorous glare which he easily flicked off. "I knew you can't handle the bounce even for a minute." Itachi smugly stated.

"Oh yeah?! Why don't you give it a try, you pussy?!?!" Deidara snarled. He forced the alligator to let go of his head and threw the reptile away. The alligator found itself chomping the tall man beside Sasori who immediately screamed in horror and scrambled away, knocking people down.

Offended by the nickname, Itachi activated his Sharingan threateningly. "I'll show you pussy! You owe me one hundred bucks if I get to hang on it for fifty seconds!"

"Bah! I owe you my salary for this month if you can hang on longer than I did!" Deidara boasted. The two boys with long hair growled, glared, and swore at each other before Itachi grumpily mounted the mechanical bull. Without delay, the bull started to swagger violently.

"Itachi-san's good…" Kujira praised with awe. Deidara lolled his tongue in disgust.

The bull bounced its rear the wildest as cued by its mechanism, but unlike Deidara, Itachi managed to firmly grip the saddle and continued for few more seconds. At which point Deidara started to sweat cold. However, immediately after the wild bounce, it bounced even _more malevolently_ that Itachi ended up the same way as Deidara—much to the blonde's joy. "AMATERASUUUU!!!" Itachi shrieked as he made himself into a momentary lunar eclipse.

Deidara used his moment of triumph to blustered large, boisterous guffaw. He rolled on the ground and laughed uncontrollably. Sasori followed, but with less excitement as he did before. Before long, Itachi returned, also wet and bitten here and there by piranhas. See, he was right—there are piranhas in the river!

Notice that he bore different expression from Deidara who returned sour and angry—Itachi was sneering, slurping Deidara's triumphant moment as whole. "You owe me your salary, bitch!" he shrilly squawked at the blonde.

"What?! It wasn't even fifty sec—"

"It was forty seconds, fifty-eight nanoseconds. Not fifty seconds, but it's still longer endurance than you, pardner." Sasori deadpanned, checking his wristwatch.

"I'll wait for the bill on the thirty first…" Itachi ghostly threatened the blonde whose goose bumps were standing.

"I wanna have a go! Me! Me!" Kujira raised his hands and waved vigorously. The stand man finally spotted him and let him mount the bull.

* * *

"Of all everything…why does he have to choose _that_ ride?" Yoru complained. Kisame and Zetsu who stood by her side patted both of her shoulders.

Upon arriving at the middle of the fiesta, Tobi spotted a western-styled carousel and hurried to ride the childish ride. He offered Yoru to ride with him and she refused. Sadly, Tobi was sort of deaf to her 'No' and pulled her along with him. In the end, Yoru had a good time in the toilet.

"I _HATE_ it when the ride spins like that! Especially in _that_ speed! How can he handle it?" Yoru continued to complain. She noticed the curve in Kuro Zetsu's eye and glared at the black side of the bipolar. "What're you laughin' at?"

"If you can't even stand that mushy ride, what ride do you enjoy? Tunnel of Love?" Kuro asked mockingly, snickering freely.

Yoru looked around and once she found her ride of interest, she pointed at it. "That one. Looks really fun, eh?"

Both Zetsu and Kisame turned and they gaped. The 'Cheese Maker Plunger' was the ride's name. It consisted of a ride that climbed a forty foot cylindrical tower in less than 7 mph and once it reached its peak, it plunged down the tower in approximately cheeks-flapping 50 mph, gusting even faster wind against its riders' face and could possibly gave them a severe heart attack.

From gaping, Kisame's jaws closed slowly shifted into a shiny yet creepy grin. With amazement, he rather roughly patted Yoru's back, "Now that's what I'm talking about! Why didn't we spot it earlier?"

"Because Pumpkin Boy spotted his ride first." Shiro Zetsu provided answer.

"Why is everyone talking about Tobi?" said Pumpkin Boy arrived at the right time. His three companions suddenly flashed a flashy devious grin, frightening the kid. "Wha…why is everyone grinning so hideously at Tobi? Yoru-chan—what have they done to Yoru-chan?! NOOO!"

"Kisame! Muscles!"

"On it, Ma'am!" Kisame gripped Tobi's wrist ferociously and pulled him to the ride that surely he would decline—if only he could set free.

The seated ride climbed so slowly towards the peak of the tower that the three braver Akatsuki yawned. Yoru was swearing about she could climb the tower faster even without machinery and no flying. Zetsu were arguing about something. Kisame tried to find anyone he possibly would know and when all hope seemed to loss, he heard a gruff scream and a human cannonball plunging to the sky and then exploded. The explosion caught everyone's attention, including the once terrified Tobi and the people on the ground.

Kisame turned to his friends, "Is it just me or did that human cannonball just screamed 'Katsu'?" he asked.

"No kidding." Yoru replied, "I think I heard the same too."

"Deidara-senpai?" Tobi wondered.

"Um…maybe? The question is how he can get—WHOAAAAA!!!" Before Kisame could finish his speculation, the ride plummeted like a rocket down to the ground and in just exactly ten seconds, it brusquely bumped to a stop. "Holy—_fuck!_ Shit, that was awesome! Again!!!"

"Told you! Tobi? Are you OK, babe?" Yoru asked, glancing to her other side and checked her boyfriend's status.

"NO! How could Yoru-chan make Tobi ride this? It's so…scary. Fun, but scary!"

"That's because you talked me to ride the carousel! I only take what's mine."

Tobi whimpered and Kisame giggled, "Well, well, Tobi. I'm amazed you can handle a vengeful, scary girl like her! If it were me, I can handle her easily—she won't dare to defy me." Kisame playfully taunted the boy.

"Well, aren't you one cocky little clown fish?" Yoru rolled her eyes, returning Kisame's taunt dryly. Kisame chuckled and ruffled her short hair, much to her dismay.

"Look! Another human cannonball!" both of Zetsu's side shouted at yet another human flying to the moon's level. This one burst out in black flames, burned nothing in particular. The moon's light was blocked by the black fire, creating a very short moon eclipse. The four Akatsuki on the towering ride muttered "Ooh…" before screaming and/or whooping due to the plummeting seats.

"That looked and sounded like Itachi-san." Kisame remarked on their last view. The ride has ended and the four of them walked to another game. Zetsu had to help Tobi to walk since all those rise-and-fall had weakened his legs temporarily.

"Wow. If that's true, then they must've taken a really extreme ride." Shiro Zetsu added.

"Wait—Itachi-san hates extreme rides!"

* * *

For no reason, Madara's right eyebrow twanged with curious, subconscious unease. Madara looked over his shoulder only to see nothing but a city of light bulbs. He rubbed his arms to comfort himself and turned back to the horse race. The horses had just about to reach the finish line. The two people beside him watched intensely.

"_And, ladies and gentlemen, Cerealla wins!!! She wins, ladies and gentlemen! This is so awesome!!_" the commentator whooped and talked at the same time. Although it was loud, but at least, to Madara, the commentator was not as dramatic as the soccer commentators.

"YEEAAAAHS!!!" Konan shouted victoriously, flapping her hands to the air, thence resulting in a hurricane of origami papers. "AHAHAHA!! I knew she'd win! Eat that, Kakuzu! I had the feeling that Grainwad had no chance of winning!" The blue-haired woman lolled her tongue at the much older man who grumpily tore his ticket.

Madara rolled and huffed, "Guys, can we call it a day already? I'm so bored! I even don't bet anymore ever since the third race. You, Kakuzu, you're the one who's supposed to quit. Your constant-nine-times-loss incident has raked your wallet away!" At the end of his lecture, he gave an 'educational' smack on the head—seemingly equal to a baseball batter's homerun hit. Irritated, Kakuzu decided not to argue back against the older Uchiha.

"I hate to say told you so!" Konan declared arrogantly. In comparison to the unfortunate Kakuzu, Konan won all the bets, in exception for the first race where she claimed that her senses weren't sharpened yet. "I'm RICH!"

"Somebody shut her up!" Kakuzu howled.

Just arriving, Hidan laughed mockingly at his partner's loss. Kakuzu shot him a deadly glare which he easily flicked off like a fly. "Whaddaya know…the almighty Kakuzu has no sense of judging a horse! Damn, I shoulda see his fucking face when he knew that he just lost a fucking horse race!"

Overwhelmed by frustration as well as avoiding the others seeing his cry of despair, Kakuzu buried his face in his hands. He was compelled to stop when Madara tugged his collar. He raised his head, looking for what the ex-leader wanted him to do.

"I'm bored." said the older Uchiha, "Let's go to another place, shall we?"

Nodding, Kakuzu answered, "Yeah. I'm actually pretty bored too. How about that shooting game?" Kakuzu's big tanned finger pointed at a row of shooting games. The prizes were not of money, but simple merchandises. For once, Hidan responded positively towards his choice.

"That's a great idea! I can give the kids some gifts! And maybe a gift for Yoru's birthday tomorrow…" Hidan trailed off as his mind wandered. He and his twin sons went downstairs while the others followed.

"Huh, I really forgot about that." Kakuzu said, slightly more relaxed than he had. "C'mon. At least I know I won't lose a shooting game."

"Yeah. What's so hard with throwing kunai?" Hidan said casually, for once he was overjoyed to go out and play. "C'mon, Konan, you got twins to sit."

_Are you sure Hidan? The thing is we never see you throw kunai before—it has always been your triple-bladed scythe…_

"DAMMIT! What is _wrong_ with you? Why won't you hit the target?!" Hidan swore at the black-colored piece of weaponry. He raised it up to the light and scrutinized it. "Hmm…there must be an effing flaw in the process of making…"

"No, it's not, you idiot. You just never shoot a kunai before." Madara pointed out.

"Oh yeah, I HAVE!!" Hidan insisted, causing Madara to scowl resentfully. Roughly, he snatched the kunai from the Jashinist and without careful aiming, Madara immediately threw it to the red-and-white target—right in the middle.

"_That_ is how you shoot a kunai." Madara flicked Hidan's forehead, backing off from the crowd only to lean on the nearest lamp post. The eyes of other people were directed at him; the Uchiha sneered.

"Fuck that little show off little prick goddamn showing me how to throw kunai arrogant little son of a bitch…" Hidan mumbled under his breath while he chose the prize in behalf of Madara. He yelped gruffly when Kakuzu knocked the back of his head. "WHAT?!"

"You wanna give Yoru _that?_" Kakuzu asked, his voice clearly shown that he was mocking the Jashinist.

"Yeah, I am. What about you? You don't shoot kunai?"

"Nah, changed my mind." Kakuzu stared at a clock set on a post. "Come, it's nine-thirty already. Time for the Bull Race. And I'm participating."

Although Madara and Konan were fairly far away from Kakuzu, they heard him as good as Hidan and the three of them yelled, "YOU WHAT?!?!"

If he didn't wear a mask, we could see clearly that he was smirking.

* * *

**OK, I decide to stop it here—in the unsuccessful (maybe) cliff hanger. The next chapter's gonna be really fun! As of Yoru's birthday…I haven't decide on when it is. First, I made it in April, but April is not yet summer so I think it's either in July or August, or maybe even September. I don't know, I'll just make the day I publish the next chapter as her birthday. I hope it's still summer when that day comes…**

**Next in Kujira: The Cetacean Goofball: Which will win, the racer who races for love or the racer who races for money?**

_**Bloopers:**_

Deidara: KAAAATSUU!

_Boom! Splash! ………_

Kogito: Hey…where'd the actor go?

Sasori: I don't think Deidara can swim…

Kogito: OMG! Kisame! SOS! SOS!


	5. A Race Against A Berserk Beast

**[5] A Race Against A Berserk Beast [5]**

Madara flinched and cowered behind Hidan who was not so much different from Madara. The Uchiha pushed the Jashinist affront but then the Jashinist spun around and Madara turned to be in front again. It didn't take long until Madara decided to play dirty and punched Hidan right on the stomach, causing him to hunch over and Madara used the weakness to push Hidan in front. Hidan screeched but alas he was slobbered by a Texan _Bos primigenius Taurus_. Clueless? To make it easier and friendlier, it was a Texas Longhorn.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!" Hidan bawled in distress. Soon afterwards, mothers and fathers put their hands over their children's ears. Together with the stream of swearing, Hidan scuttled, his hands reaching for something to wipe his face on. He finally got to grip a cloth and quickly wiped his face. "Damn little crotchety Uchiha pushing me to an animal I don't like fucking moneygrubber had to go to the fucking race fuck fuck fuck." Hidan rambled. He then became aware of that he just wiped his face on a black drapery with…red clouds…. Hidan looked up and his spine was surged with terror.

"Hidan…" Sasori growled, his eyes flashing with deathly terrorizing glare. "DIE!!!"

"I'M SOOORRRYYYYY!!!"

While Hidan and Sasori scampered around the carnival, Madara kept flinching at Kakuzu who had chosen his bull to race with. Easily as if the bull and Kakuzu had known each other for years, Kakuzu mounted up the bull. Don't worry! This bull won't send Kakuzu up to the sky.

"You look optimistic, Kakuzu." Madara said.

"I'm gonna win the prize for sure with this big guy. According to the farmer, he's the toughest and fastest bull around. Just look at his physique!"

Madara scrutinized over the ox uninterestingly, "Yeah…it looks like a cow—without dangling udders." His comments caused Kakuzu's bull to grunt at him, blowing ox breath all over his face. He coughed, trying to get fresh air back to his lungs. "Whatever."

"While you're sitting on the audience chairs, how about putting up a bet that I'll win? I'll share my prize with you if you do." Kakuzu said, hopping down from the bull. He waited for Madara to answer but he noticed Madara seemed to have complications. "Ah…you don't trust me, now, do you?"

"Yeah, that. And one more thing…I've put up my bet for another racer."

"You did what?! Who was it? Who was the other racer?"

Madara sighed, "It's—"

"MAADAARAA~!" Tobi pounced onto the Uchiha and glomped his brother with his mouth while Madara stumbled on the ground. Yoru and Kisame followed slightly close behind.

"He…is the other…racer…" Madara answered, despite having dirt sucked into his mouth.

"Tobi?! He registered for the race?" Kakuzu asked in disbelief.

"Tobi wants to race! Tobi will start looking for his bull now!" Tobi let go of Madara's head and skipped off to find a bull he likes.

"I can't believe this!" Kakuzu ranted. "You believe in that little dork more than in me!"

Kisame nudged Yoru's lower shoulder and leaned down to whisper, "Heehee, someone's jealous…" Yoru snickered, agreeing to Kisame.

"I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE WHISPERING ABOUT EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T HEAR IT!!" Kakuzu bellowed at them. Nevertheless, they only snickered louder.

"Dude, you're taking things too seriously. Anyway, he's my brother, I have to support him." Madara stated. "And, damn, I can't believe I missed those glomping…"

"I never see you so excited about a race, Kakuzu, let alone getting involved in it. What drives you?" Kisame asked. Beside him, Yoru had already set on a skeptical look.

"I have a bad feeling…" she said.

"The grand prize: 5000 bucks!" Kakuzu declared cheerfully. Yoru now had her forehead on her palm and Kisame knocked his head onto his own sword—which he was using to lean against. Kakuzu frowned, the crease on his nose bridge increased. "Say it! I know what you guys are thinking!"

"We're gonna sit down." Kisame turned and started to leave. "I wish you good luck, though."

"Don't cheat!" Yoru added, leaving with Kisame.

"Why do you say that?" Kakuzu asked in protest.

Yoru glared at Kakuzu who jumped a little, "I mean it. For your own sake."

Kakuzu sighed, "Girls…"

"Madara, Madara! Look what Tobi found!" Tobi called over his brother, waving his arms frantically to catch his attention. "Look! This is Tobi's bull! Tobi's gonna ride this one!"

Madara's eyebrows arched upon seeing the bull. "Are you sure? This one's smaller than Kakuzu's. He might not run as fast as Kakuzu's bull."

"Tobi has seen the arena!"

"You have? How? You sneaked in?"

"No. Tobi saw it on the top of 'The Cheese Maker Plunger'!"

"The what Plunger?"

"That ride!" Tobi pointed to the towering giant pole in the middle of the carnival. Madara gaped, trying to speak something but found it hard to utter.

"How—how—how…" Madara stuttered.

"Yoru-chan, Kisame-senpai and Zetsu-senpai forced Tobi to ride it."

"Oh…you peed in your pants?"

Inside his mask, Tobi scowled, "Of course not! Tobi's legs weakened though…" Madara scoffed and smirked, once again disturbed Tobi's feeling. "What's so funny?"

"At least you've improved. Last time I took you to that kind of ride; you puked and peed at the same time." Madara laughed, irritating Tobi. Once he stopped, he added, "Looks like having separate bodies do have its benefits to the both of us. I mean, you can learn by yourself and I can handle my own business without boring you to death. Plus, now you can have your own relationship. Imagine if you're still trapped in my inner mind and you fall in love with Yoru…if you two kissed, then it would be me who kissed her, not you."

Tobi hung his head rather low and nodded to Madara's statements. "Tobi…likes it this way too. It's easier for Tobi to be on Madara's side in this way." Tobi giggled while Madara chuckled lightly. "But…Tobi finds it harder to understand what Madara is thinking. Back then, Madara's thoughts used to be Tobi's thoughts too."

"Bah, I don't wish that to happen again. It embarrasses me. My thoughts are meant to be private." Madara raised a fist and held in the air for Tobi to tap with his own fist. "Good luck with the race. And make sure you win it. I put my bet on you."

"Madara! That's not a good thing to do to Tobi!" Tobi exclaimed.

"Hey, at least appreciate my faith, will ya?!"

Tobi nodded and tossed his fist with Madara's. Madara then grabbed his lower arm, slightly forcing Tobi to lean down. "And be careful. I know Kakuzu ain't gonna cheat but who knows about the others."

"Don't worry, Madara! Tobi is as invincible as Madara! Because we're brothers!"

"Easy for you to say. You know you always make me worry."

"Haha! That's because Madara is too paranoid."

Madara smirked, "Smart ass." he mumbled and left his brother to align his bull to the start of the race while he made his way to the audience seat. He sat beside Kisame who sat beside Yoru. He looked around and found that only the three of them from the Akatsuki who were watching the race. He knew Konan had gone babysitting Hidan's kids, but what about the others?

"Hey, guys!" Kujira waved his hands at the three. Group 1 had already found seats in front of Madara's row. Then Zetsu appeared beside Madara. Kuro burped.

"Kuro…what did you just eat?" Kisame asked cautiously.

"A stallion."

Madara, Kisame and Yoru harmoniously slapped their foreheads, creating different versions of _SMACK!_ noise. Then another _smack_ came from Zetsu himself. Well, from Zetsu, to Zetsu, by Madara. "I thought you're prohibited from eating anything tonight!!!" Madara bellowed.

"Can't help it…" Kuro whined, rubbing his side of head. "I'm starving."

"You shoulda bring your lunch box, then."

"Dammit, you're right."

"Ssh! There they come!" Kisame shushed the two (or was it three?) of them as the announcer began to announce the names of the bull and their rider. The Akatsuki sitting on the front were exclaiming—at least Deidara and Kujira did—as they saw both Kakuzu and Tobi on the racing line.

"Kakuzu-senpai!" Tobi hollered over to the masked bounty hunter nin. "May the best racer wins!"

Kakuzu said nothing but he just nodded. The two racers, plus another five, then gripped their reigns, waiting for the gun to pop. And…_pop!_ it went. The barrier doors flung open and the bulls started to gallop forward. Little did the racers know that if you put two bulls together, a fight of horns would ensue. Right here, there were _**seven **_bulls! So it was not just a fight between male oxen, but a _WAR._ A bull smaller than Tobi's were knocked over by a big, almost gigantic bull rode by an unknown man. Kakuzu remembered that the man's name was Rudy, but he guessed that was just an alias—since the man's face looked Chinese. Who knows, maybe his full name was Rudy Wong!

Tobi's bull was apparently the second smallest and the bull, which Tobi named Kenobi just to rhyme with his name, noticed the bigger bull rampaging at him. Kenobi bawled in terror and scampered faster, his eyes enlarged comically (imagine his eyes were like melon-wide). Tobi, too, screamed so shrill that it only made Kenobi run faster and the big bull to chase more eagerly.

Unbothered by the bigger bull, Kakuzu passed the chasing racers and encountered the other three remaining and alive racers. Being the second biggest bull, Kakuzu easily scared the other bulls—all except one.

A man—Kakuzu recalled his name was Yugi—his bull was brave enough to horn with Kakuzu's bull. Grimacing, Kakuzu made his bull to screech and decelerate and caused Yugi's bull to hammer onto another bull. The two rolled on the inner plains of the race track. Now that left Kakuzu, Tobi, Rudy, and another man whose name Kakuzu failed to remember.

"Senpai!!! HELP!!!" Tobi yelled frantically. Kenobi's butt then got raised by the bigger bull's head but Kenobi kicked its face, enabling him to run again. Unfortunately, the kicking enraged the large bull. It bawled furiously and it ran like berserk. Tobi, who turned around to see his foe, swore the bigger bull just resembled a devil more and more with each hot breath. The way its horns bend only convinced Tobi more that this bull was Hades' personal pet.

"Hey, is that fair?" Yoru asked. Panic seasoned her tone slightly. "I mean, the bulls attacked each other, especially that big one. Isn't it supposed to break the rules?"

"I don't think so." Madara replied. "Bulls are actually never meant for racing. Their rivalry adrenaline is too uncontrollable. I think why it's manipulated into a race is just so that it's become popular. Especially with that much violence."

Yoru gulped and squiggly black lines hovered above her head. "This is bad. With a bull that small, could Tobi really survive this race?"

"I'm not sure about the bull, but I'm not worried about Tobi." Madara answered.

Kisame arched an eyebrow, "If so, then why are you gripping your ticket so tightly it almost rip?"

"Huh?" Madara looked at his ticket and pocketed it. He threw his face away and Kisame swore he saw his ears turning red. "I…I just don't want him to lose…"

Seeing that he was actually allowed to violate other racers, Kakuzu pulled his reigns and beckoned his bull to ram onto the other bull, causing the other bull to lost balance (surprisingly, the bull lacked balance in its stats) and tumbled down. Now Kakuzu was leading affront but he didn't pick up his speed. Something was in his mind. He looked backward, "Tobi, get over here, quickly!!!" he shouted.

Automatically, Tobi whipped his reigns, compelling Kenobi to run even faster. "AAAAAAHH!!" Tobi squealed as Rudy's bull was getting berserker and berserker to the point where its eyes gone completely red. "TOBI DOESN'T WANT TO BULL RACE ANYMOOORE!!!" he wailed.

"Just run, would ya?!" Kakuzu bellowed. While Tobi ran faster, Kakuzu slowed down his bull's pace. He waited for Tobi and finally Rudy's bull, where he slammed his bull against Rudy's. He earned a deathly glare from Rudy, but we all know that Kakuzu was the king of glares.

It was almost halfway to the finish line (that was one long race track, wasn't it?) so Rudy decided to fight Kakuzu back and galloped faster only that his bull—instead of racing, decided to fight against Kakuzu's bull whose size was much bigger than Tobi's—therefore, a more suitable foe. Kakuzu winced when the bigger bull slammed against his. Then, Tobi's voice shouted at him.

"Senpai! Watch out for the trench!!!" Tobi had crossed a six-feet-deep trench by the time he shouted. He was now far in front of Kakuzu.

"Later, gator!" Kakuzu Vulcan-saluted Rudy and prepared his bull to leap over the trench. He did wonderfully—so did Rudy. "Gah! That guy's killing me!"

Madara twitched back in his seat. Accusingly, he pointed at the race, particularly at the hindrance purposely available on the tracks. "What the hell was that for? Are they trying to kill off the bull or something?" Madara ranted angrily.

"Hmm…dead bull…" Kuro Zetsu's mind lingered.

"This race is one in a million." Kisame remarked. As soon as he spoke, the whole stage and race tracks vibrated and trap doors opened. "Now what?!"

From down under, artificial trees arose, creating some forest-like hindrance for the remaining three bulls. The Akatsuki—especially the ones that sat on the back—gaped the largest of their life. "This race is poppycock!!!" Madara squalled.

Kakuzu followed Tobi's pace and keep up with him. It was slightly weird because for a big bull, Kakuzu's bull had no taste in beating Tobi's to pulp, but the Akatsuki pay no heed to that. Kakuzu looked a little over his shoulder. He now knew how Tobi felt—chased by that hideous bull whose horn made it looked like a Behemoth roaring from the depths of hell. He could feel his goose bumps standing now.

"Kakuzu-senpai, what're we gonna do?! That bull's gonna kill us if we don't escape!" Despite the tension, Tobi still enabled himself to make a rushed conversation.

"I don't know—I'm thinking right now." Kakuzu evaded a plastic tree as well as Tobi. "I think, for now, we just have to run." Kakuzu heard a thumping noise behind him. He dared himself to look again and what he saw terrified him. Rudy's bull tore the trees as if they were just toothpicks. He grunted, "Seriously, this bull's gonna go down."

Tobi could sense the deep sense of irritation coming from Kakuzu's aura. He gulped and decided to whip his reigns slightly.

The forest of plastic trees ended and Tobi was free to get back to his previous speed before entering the forest. Deep in his heart, he wished for having no more hindrance in the race. Anyway, it was just another few meters to the finish line. The horrifying bawl of Rudy's bull made him sweat cold even more than it already has. "C'mon, Kenobi! Run for your life!"

Kakuzu was about to pick up some speed too, but he was too late to dodge Rudy's horn blow to his bull's leg. It bled a little, but was painful enough for Kakuzu's bull to slow down. Kakuzu had had it; it was now or never.

As Rudy brought his bull side by side with Kakuzu's, Kakuzu initiated his critical, last-minute plan: he slammed his bull to Rudy's. The bigger bull lost his balance slightly, so Kakuzu slammed him again harder. It took a forceful push for Rudy's bull to stumble in the inner circle plains where the other bulls had sprawled powerlessly on. As the biggest bull fell and tumbled, Kakuzu and his bull too. The fall was hideously chaotic; bulls rolled on the dirt, flipping soil off the ground; men rolled on the ground too and even Kakuzu got squished under his own bull for a split second before the bull rolled to the other side and stopped, splaying on the ground, mooing in pain. Kakuzu groaned, in pain, in agony, but alive.

Tobi was about to stop; Kakuzu noticed his speed decreasing. Using his remaining strength, he stood and waved Tobi off. "Keep going! This is a race, dammit, keep running!" He winced and let out a sharp yelp to a throbbing on his left arm. He held it firmly, winced, and learned that his arm was broken—as well with a couple of ribs.

Rudy's bull still had the strength to stand and he saw Tobi. He shoveled his hoof to the soil in a stance ready to attack. But before he could prance, Kakuzu's Earth-chakra-enhanced fist knocked him down. Imaginary Texas Longhorn calves galloped above his head in circles, followed by stars.

Kakuzu flexed his fingers, "That's personal, bitch." he hissed at Rudy's bull. He was about to beat the rider too, but the announcer's voice distracted him.

"_Ladies and gentlemen, Tobi wins! He's the only one, he survives this bloody race, and he wins!"_

Kakuzu sighed; both tired and defeat, and then sat on top of an unconscious Rudy. He held his broken arm and looked over to the victorious masked boy. The boy was currently snuggling his bull.

The announcer called Tobi to the stage in order for the judges to give him his trophy full of five thousand dollars _cash_. Said winner happily climbed the stage and acclaimed the prize in front of hundreds of applauding people, some of them being his friends, brother, and girlfriend.

Upon seeing the trophy and the money, Kakuzu's eyes turned watery, despite the everlasting gruff expression. "Dammit!" he swore. "Easy Kakuzu…you did the right thing." he told himself. But no matter how many times he told himself, he still couldn't help himself to shed tears of loss.

Madara clapped too; for once he was proud of his brother's achievement. _That race was crazy, and he won it!_ A teenager whistled at Tobi and Madara nudged the boy, "That's my bro!" he said chuckling. He sneered when he saw the boy's awestruck face.

"_Loopalinda!_" Tobi whooped, making a lassoing gesture.

Much more to Madara's embarrassment upon seeing such idiotic gesture, the boy he nudged earlier chuckled at him scornfully, "Hehe! Your brother's a masked dork!"

Pause…WHAM! Madara thought that knocking the living daylight out of the boy would make him feel better—and it did! Before anyone noticed what harm he had done to the adolescent, Madara resumed clapping his hands while whistling innocently.

* * *

Helping the injured Kakuzu to rest outside the bull race arena, Kisame put Kakuzu to lean against a tree. At which point Kisame noticed the faint tear track on Kakuzu's face. "Hey, man, you OK?" he asked.

"Sure! Sure, I'm fine." Kakuzu answered with a mixture of emotions Kisame never seem to see before.

Hidan arrived with one of his twins, Arata. He cocked his eyebrows seeing Kakuzu all worn out. "What happened to you?" he asked.

"My precious…GONE!!!" Kakuzu finally wailed.

"Nah, dude! Settle down! It's no big deal, it's just five thou—"

"It's five _THOUSAND_, goddammit! _FIVE THOUSAND!_" Kakuzu snapped at the white-haired jashinist.

"OK…so maybe it's a big deal." Hidan trailed off.

"But Tobi played fair and square!" Kisame added, "You too! You told him to go forward! You should be proud of yourself. You're a sportive player!" Kisame mollified, but, nonetheless, Kakuzu was still snorting sadly.

While Kisame still rubbed the older man's back, Hidan had gave up the ghost. He saw the winner walked towards him, "Hey, Tobi! Congratulations!"

"Thanks, Hidan-senpai! Is Kakuzu-senpai alright?" Tobi asked, peering over Hidan's shoulder to see Kakuzu soundlessly crying on Kisame's shoulder (the shark-man was feeling absolutely awkward with this position).

Hidan rolled his eyes before answering. "How do you say it—nope. He's clearly not alright. I mean—look! He's just weeping like a baby! Even Arata and Benjiro don't cry like that!" Hidan spat.

Tobi approached his weeping senior and timidly called, "Senpai?" Kakuzu grunted in response.

"What?" he hissed bitterly.

"Um…Tobi just wanna give these to Kakuzu-senpai." Carefully, Tobi the boy handed the cup trophy to Kakuzu's face. The cash was still stuffed inside.

"What the—?" Kakuzu gasped in astonishment, so did Kisame and Hidan.

"Tobi only needs 750. Senpai can have the rest." Tobi continued, smiling behind his mask so innocently. "Tobi knows Senpai wants it so badly. Tobi knows Senpai likes money!"

Kakuzu's face shone in heaven's light and he released Kisame's comforting (but uneasy) embrace and joy returned to his soul. He hugged Tobi violently, momentarily forgetting the stinging pain on his broken left arm. "Thank you! _Thank you!_ Yessh…it is mine now!!" Kakuzu whooped.

"Good! Kakuzu-senpai's back to normal!" Tobi lifted his mask slightly and whistled shrilly. Soon afterwards, Kenobi trotted to his side. While Kisame and Hidan's eyes were bulging due to the fact that Tobi and Kenobi were best of friends, Tobi mounted onto the bull's back. "However, the trophy is still belongs to Tobi!" Then he galloped away to the town and away.

"No problem! I only need the cash! Thanks again, man!" Kakuzu shouted to the leaving Tobi. "Look, Hidan, Kisame! The cash is mine! Yes! Fuck YES! Whoo! I'm gonna laugh all my way to the bank—literally! HAHAHA!!!"

Hidan's free palm met his forehead in a cacophonous _SMEKK!_ "Ugh…you Gollum McDuck!" The Masochist ranted billions of names for Kakuzu while the money guy danced around with a trophy full of money in his very hands. If it wasn't because of a streaking thought, Hidan wouldn't ask this, "Where's that boy going anyway?"

Unfortunately, no one knows the answer except Tobi and Kenobi (ain't the rhyme cute?!). Kisame shrugged and, sighing, Hidan rested his hand on the tree where Kakuzu used to lean on. Something sticky caught his attention.

"EW! This tree is smothered with sap!" he yanked his hand off and rubbed it against his cloak.

A small hammer hit Kisame's head to realization, "Sap?" At which point the light bulb sprung to life.

* * *

Yoru woke up later than usual. Last night's night walk really worn her out, despite that she didn't participate in the race. She groggily rubbed her eyes, get dressed, and strode off to get some breakfast. She already had this image where Tobi is going to shout, "Yoru-chan is late!" and soon she will find herself suffocated. It was like some kind of a punishment if she got up late. But…Tobi should have wakened her up at the usual time he woke everybody else too. Weird…maybe Tobi overslept too.

Yoru could smell the sugar flying off from the dining room that was also connected to the kitchen. _Let me guess…Itachi and Tobi are eating pancakes with lots of syrup._ Yoru's mind spoke to herself. It was just a ninety degrees turn left before she entered the dining room and…

"SURPRISE!!!" the whole room announced loudly. The loud voice projection slapped some conscience to Yoru's mind. Very much to her surprise, the whole Akatsuki (including the ones who are usually lethargic like Deidara) were in the dining room. There weren't any decoration; only a giant banner saying, 'HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY, YORU!' and it was obviously made by Konan. By that time, Yoru was speechless.

"Wo…wow…" she stuttered. "This…this is sort of…out of character, isn't it?"

"Konan and Tobi made us do it." Deidara spluttered mindlessly, earning him a painful clobber on the back of his head by Konan. "But…it happens to all of us too—especially Pumpkin Boy."

Yoru giggled, "Even a bunch like you celebrates birthday, eh?"

Let us just skip the candle-blowing part and the cake-cutting part, shall we? Just to add some point, Yoru splattered a piece of her cake to Itachi's face and Itachi splattered some to Deidara—which triggered Deidara's honey allergy. And since Sasori didn't eat anything, most of the cake was splattered onto the puppet maestro, much to his dismay. And now, presents!

"Yoru! Look what I got for you!" The presents weren't wrapped, mind you. It has been in the 'tradition' of giving gifts amongst the Akatsuki. Deidara stretched out a black t-shirt with 'Avenged Sevenfold' printing on it, complete with the band's insignia. "I got this for free when I was shopping in disguise back when I went to my hometown."

"Huh? When did you…?" Sasori asked but his questions were cur short.

"While I was waiting for you, of course. I sent a clay _bunshin_ of mine to browse the rockers' boutique and apparently I got this one for buying ten band t-shirts." Deidara answered Sasori, rolling his eyes. He then grinned back to Yoru, "Let's rock together!"

"Um, thanks, Dei. That's very kind of you." Yoru took the t-shirt from Deidara's hands.

"Now, Danna! Your turn!" Deidara pushed Sasori affront.

"Happy birthday, Yoru. Here, I give you this." Sasori handed Yoru a small cardboard box. Curious, Yoru opened the lid and found a collection of miniature Akatsuki in it. "That's us as puppets. I found it in my closet."

Yoru laughed as she lifted a puppet Pein up. "These are adorable. Though they sort of look like voodoo dolls…"

"You can make them voodoo dolls, but not the mini puppet me!"

"I look like a dork." Deidara complained when he took the one that looked like him.

"Ah, shut up!"

"Here's from me." Kakuzu flapped a few slices of paper money in front of her face. All eyes suddenly bulged and Kakuzu knew why. "It's a special occasion, so that's why I'm being generous."

"What the fuck?! You didn't give me any cash for my birthday!" Hidan ranted.

"You're a different story."

"Yoru-neechan, I got you this!" Kujira handed his present.

"A…horseshoe?" Yoru asked.

"Yeah…that's the only thing I got. I got it after I won the 'Master of Rodeo' challenge. You wanna know my record? Three minutes! Everybody else was like plummeting to the sky! Including Deidara-san and 'Tachi-san! Before not even one minute! And you know, Neechan, horseshoe brings a good luck." Kujira grinned and gave Yoru a hug.

"Huh?" Kisame turned to Itachi, "You really took an extreme ride?"

"Had to."

Madara gave nothing but a birthday card. He said, "What? You expect me to buy you a summoning scroll?" But since it's Madara, Yoru didn't sweat too much about it. Zetsu gave Yoru a pot of cactus. Konan made her a poem, together as she apologized for having no clue of what to give her.

"Too bad. If you like skirts, I'll buy you one." she said.

And Itachi, with no comments whatsoever, gave Yoru a lollipop which she ate almost immediately. Pein's present envied the whole member of Akatsuki for he gave Yoru a raise for a year until she turned twenty. Though it was only temporary, but it was still envying. Kisame gave Yoru nothing and he said, "Looks like I forgot that today's your birthday. Well, you said a simple happy birthday is OK, right?"

"It's OK. It's good to have you here anyway."

"I'll give your present later. You don't mind that, right?"

"Sure. Take it easy." She turned to Hidan. "What do you have for me, Hidan?"

The masochist sneered devilishly, making Yoru half-hoped he wouldn't give him anything Jashin-related. "Look what I got…" he said in a sing-song voice. Then from behind his back, Hidan pulled out a box with a Transformers action figure in it. The character in it made Yoru's eyes bulged with disbelief.

"No way! It's ROTF Jolt! I don't even know it exist! He's like a last minute character! Omigod! Hidan, thanks a bunch!!!" Yoru snatched the box from Hidan's hands and held too closely to her face.

Kakuzu glanced at Hidan, "I don't know you actually would spend your money for an action figure." he said dryly.

"I didn't. I won it in the 'Dump the Clown' game when you and Tobi were racing. That's why I wasn't there watching you." Hidan sneered and tapped Kakuzu on the shoulder, accidentally hitting his left arm.

"OWW!!!" Kakuzu yowled. "Watch it! Now I can't go bounty hunting with a broken arm. I need it to carry the bounty around."

"You fucking deserve it."

"Hey, there's one missing!" Kujira pointed out. "Tobi-niichan! You haven't given your present to Yoru-neechan!"

Yoru peered over everyone's shoulder to see the unmasked boy cornered at the back, "Kujira's right. I was expecting you to give your present first." Yoru said.

"I told him to hold back." Madara said, smirking and leaning against a wall close to where Tobi was. "The most important person goes last. Now go, Tobi."

Shyly, Tobi muttered, "Um, happy birthday, Yoru-chan. This…this is from Tobi." Since Tobi didn't wear his mask, everybody could see his deep red face and giggled. Deidara nudged him playfully, making him go red even more.

Unlike everybody else in the base, Tobi's present was wrapped. It was a messy wrapping (Tobi did it all by himself and Madara wouldn't help) but nonetheless, Yoru must appreciate the effort. Half-blushing herself, she unwrapped the present. Once the present was fully revealed, Hidan roared in laughter, only to be stopped by Konan kneeing him on where '_the sun don't shine_'.

"Be quiet." she hissed, "This is the cute part."

"Yuck…"

Yoru got a big orange stuffed bunny for a present from Tobi. It looked thoroughly similar with Tobi's blue bunny, Mr. Nay-nay. Tobi kept pessimistic, he asked, "Does Yoru-chan like it?"

"Tobi…" Yoru began, Tobi was about to flinch. "This is so adorable! Thanks! Now we each have a bunny! Tobi has Mr. Nay-nay and I have…" Yoru thought for a while.

Deidara suggested a name, "Mrs. Yay-yay?" Shiro Zetsu snorted at the name suggestion. Hidan would giggle too if he weren't too busy scowling and groaning due to his aching manhood.

"No! That's stupid. I'm gonna name her Pompom—since she looked like a pompom. With ears." she cuddled her new stuffed toy, and Tobi cheered because his girlfriend liked his present.

"Yay! Yoru-chan likes Tobi's present!"

Yoru smiled at his childishness and smiled. "Now let me give you yours."

"Huh?" Tobi's eyes enlarged as Yoru gave him a short peck which brought awes and one 'blech' to the whole Akatsuki. Tobi's facial redness proliferated drastically and so did his body temperature. After giggling in such a goofy manner, Tobi fell backwards, cataleptic. All eyes and feet surrounded his unconscious self.

Without moving his gaze, Kakuzu asked Yoru, "Did this happen after your first kiss?"

* * *

The celebration only lasted until the end of breakfast time; afterwards, things went back to normal—well, except for Tobi who still hasn't recover from falling unconscious and was now sleeping in his bed. And by normal, Yoru went back from the birthday girl into the laundry manager again. The laundry was unquestionably a lot today and she had to work extra longer. Eh, at least she got a raise, right?

As soon as she finished doing her job, she returned to her room in order to have a rest. All of her presents scattered on the floor, but only one was on her bed which was also a special place for a present. Pompom was waiting for her return with her huge bunny eyes.

Besides Pompom, Yoru spotted an envelope. She took it and read the front of the envelope to see whom it came from. She found nothing but a _'To Yoru'_. From the writing, Yoru could tell it was a man's writing, therefore from a man. She opened the envelope, dug her fingers into the inside and grasped a hard round object. She arched an eyebrow and pulled the object out. She gasped upon seeing its glimmering glory.

Someone secretly sneaked to her room and left her an amber stone that shaped like a water droplet with a Black Widow spider trapped in it. Just like what she actually wanted: John Hammond's stone. She admired the stone; it was attached with a black string on the smooth yet naturally carved tip. An amber necklace…. She smiled widely.

She returned to the envelope and glimpsed a small piece of paper. She extracted it from the envelope and noted that it was a short letter.

_Dear Yoru,_

_It's a little late, but just like what you wanted, isn't it?_

_~K._

She smiled even wider and wore the necklace. Her birthday never felt this perfect…

* * *

**Huh, it's done faster than I thought. Maybe because it's the race part so I'm suddenly all hyped up and typed it as quickly as if I'm wearing the G.I Joe accelerator suit. The fluffiness between Tobi and Yoru is killing me! Yoru sure has a place in everyone's heart and it's not necessarily romance. In fact, most of the Akatsuki thinks of Yoru as a good friend…only. Those who think more are…you know who. Reviews are very much appreciated!**

**Also thanks for XiaBubbleQueen for sending Yoru a b'day cake in advance. I guess that's the cake Akatsuki uses to splatter over Sasori. Anyway, Yoru loves it and she says thank you! And since it's published in 25th of August, I guess we can use this as her birthday! YAY!**

**~Kogito, cocoa maniac who'd just escaped the dentist's drill without muscle-to-muscle struggle.**

**Next on '**_**Kujira: The Cetacean Goofball'**_**: Tobi, Madara, and Kujira visits Konoha—in a VERY mundane disguise.**

_**Bloopers**_**:**

Yoru: (pecks Tobi)

Tobi: (faints)

Kakuzu: Why didn't he die when you made out with him in '_I Spy Round 2'_ chapter 9?


	6. To Konoha and Beyond!

**[6] To Konoha and Beyond! [6]**

The piercings on the lower lip drooped along with an exasperated and desperate sigh. Pein looked at piece of paper with face far from amused—let alone being in a plain good mood. He put the paper down, slouched back, and massaged his temples. He extended his arm to reach a long glass of water before he tasted…nothing. Nothing was inside his glass—and the day was…rainy. Rainy as always. Even so, for some reason, Pein could feel the air _outside_ the rain and it was the blazing heat. He rang the call bell, _ding!_

No response…

_Dingdingdingdingding!_

"I'M _COMING!_" came Madara's crotchety-old-timer respond tone. "Tobi, get offa me! I need to go to work!" Madara heaved—Pein knew from the sound of it that Tobi was death-tugging his arm and asked him to go somewhere with him _or_ the same masked boy was demanding Madara to play with him and his buddies of kids.

"Madara never works! Madara only serves Pein-sama like a good little maid—OW! Don't hit!" the kid whined. Pein could imagine Madara giving him an up-ahead wallop and Tobi was currently pouting exaggeratingly.

"Don't tug!" Madara retorted, playing with Tobi's whining tone. Finally, his footsteps came closer to his office. By the time the figure of the ever-staying-young Madara appeared before his Rinnegan, Madara was fixing his cloak, adjusting it properly. "What?" he asked bitterly.

Pein said nothing but holding up his empty glass of water. Madara squinted and pointed at the glass. "It's…a glass. Are you testing my IQ?" Madara asked.

Pein's protected forehead slammed the wooden desk, much to Madara's surprise. "No! I want you to get me another glass of water."

Madara's facial muscles crumpled together, forming a deep scornful scowl. He leaned against Pein's desk, facing him as if he wanted a duel with the so-called 'god'. On the other side of the table, the god just stared at the immortal indifferently. "What do you think I am? A Saint Bernard? Listen to me, young man, I was your superior, so—"

"But not anymore, _Madara._" Pein arched his eyebrows in a manner that made Madara wanted to squeeze his arrogance dry from his vivid red hair. "Remember, you gave me your old 'true leader' duty to me. And since Konan, my old secretary, is busy as she was hired by Hidan, you therefore became my new secretary, and secretary helps the director, so…" he held his glass higher, "…will you?"

"Not in a million years, crapface." Madara spat at him. "Taking a glass of water should be your own job."

"But I'm busy and my butt is sort of glued to this leathery seat."

"Well, I'm not your waiter! Send someone else!"

Pein nodded, much to Madara's surprise, and called, "Oh, Tooobiiii!!!"

Madara's eyes bulged upon hearing the name of his brother. And more to his dismay, Tobi gullibly obeyed and appeared from the door. "Yes, Pein-sama? Tobi is a good boy! Tobi will do Pein-sama's orders word by word!"

"Can you get me a—"

"OK! OK! I'll get you a glass of water!" Madara snapped and snatched the cylindrical glass from Pein's hand. Before he went and becoming a good little maid once more, he gave Pein one slim finger that was located at the center of the finger row. "The little piece of shit…" he cursed under his breath.

"What can Tobi do now?" Tobi inquired, clasping his hands together with a gaze full of hope.

"Follow your brother."

"Yay! Madara, wait!"

Darkly, Pein chuckled and took a new piece of paper. At which point, his eyes widened in shock. Just so you know, it wasn't blackmail. He slapped his forehead and dinged the call bell again, this time twice as fast as the first time.

Madara growled upon hearing the bell unstoppably ringing his name in a despicable _ding_. The glass wasn't even half full and he was forced to go back to where he was. Plus, the little vermin called Tobi kept bugging him to no end. He even bugged him while both of them were asleep. "Would you cut the bell out?! I have your fucking glass right HERE!"

"Not that!" Pein's voice echoed. "This is much more important!"

Madara rolled his eyes, "Probably he wants his lunch early."

"Um…Madara…it does look pretty serious." Tobi said.

Madara huffed, "Yeah, but he should at least wait for my return. Seriously, this guy sometimes acts like a girl in…" Madara gulped for he hated this word the most. Unfortunately, Tobi—whose memory was pretty sharp to remember new words—spoken out the forbidden word, much to Madara's dismay.

"Puberty?"

"Gah! Don't say it!"

The two of them popped inside Pein's office again. Gruffly, Madara smacked the bottom of the glass to Pein's desk and backed off. Pein, on the other hand, looked bewildered. "Look what I found!"

"What? Your high school prom night photo?" Madara sourly asked. Somehow, the image of Pein's prom night photo amused him internally.

"No. A report from our agent in Konoha. He says that the elders of Konoha have some scheme to eradicate our existence. He's still dubious about this, but he can't know any further because our agent's rank there was just a medic ninja. He stole that information from wounded higher rank ninjas. So that's why I call you here. There's a field job for you, Madara."

Upon hearing the word 'field job', Madara's evil smirk ruled over his face, sending uncomfortable shockwaves to Pein's nose piercings which then transferred it to his spine. But Madara preferred to be modest today, "Me? Don't you suppose to send someone else?"

"I actually wanted to send Kakuzu, but since his arm is still broken plus he looked too suspicious for spying mission, that's why I send you. Anyway, you know the village better even than Itachi. That's why I leave it to you."

Madara let out an eerie chuckle. "You do know what that means, don't you?"

"What?" Pein asked cautiously.

"That your waiter is going away from a few days and nobody can grab you your glass of water. Itachi and Kisame are always busy with their own jobs; Kakuzu is injured; Hidan and Konan are occupied with other things that you must've known; Deidara and Sasori are always busy too and anyways, their ego is too big; Zetsu were never here except breakfast. You're alone, Pein-_sama_." Madara spoke disdainfully. Pein's eyebrow tip twitched at Madara's softer threat. "Oh, and lemme guess…Tobi and Kujira are coming with me, aren't they?"

Pein frowned and his jaws were trembling to shout but he knew he was defeated squarely. He buried his face in his hands and Madara took that as a queue to laugh evilly. He brought his brother to their room, to pack their things for their journey tomorrow morning. "Come, Tobi. We're going on a mission tomorrow."

Tobi gasped enthusiastically, though this time, Madara decided to grin, "Really?! A mission?! With Madara?! Wowwie…!" All of a sudden, Madara found himself gaining instant weight as Tobi climbed over his back to glomp him. "Tobi is so happy!!!"

"OK, OK…but would you please…"

"Right. Sorry. It's just…it's been years since Madara and Tobi had a mission together! It's like…what's the word?"

"Nostalgic?"

"That's right!"

"We're not alone. Kujira's coming with us."

"That's even better! It would be best if Yoru-chan can come too!"

"Dream on, lover boy."

* * *

Twitches. "Tobi, I told you to get us a normal disguise." Madara scowled and complained. What Tobi brought for their 'Ultimate Disguise' was disappointing him—greatly.

"Wow, Tobi-niichan, you're a fashion disguise genius!!" Kujira praised. He, on the other hand, was not disappointed at all.

"This isn't a disguise! You only make us stand out even more!" Madara complained and he pulled out a black t-shirt that was meant for him. "You call this a normal clothe?!"

"But it is, Madara-sama. Don't you ever wear a t-shirt before?" Kujira asked, confused, because Madara's meant-to-be t-shirt was just as normal as hell. Beside him, Tobi giggled and bent down so his mouth could be at the same level as Kujira's ears.

"Madara is just making excuses." he said, much to Madara's dismay. "Madara knows how to use a disguise, it's just…" Tobi pulled his own t-shirt, a white one, and aligned it beside Madara's black one. "Madara doesn't want to match the clothes with Tobi." Tobi turned to Madara, knelt, and hugged his bigger twin's legs. Soon afterwards, he shot Madara his trusty puppy eyes. "Please, Madara! Tobi did this for the both of us! Please wear it! Tobi doesn't bring anything else!"

The only animal(s) that could melt Madara's heart were cockatoo or a parrot (that's why he bought one), piranha, and stag beetle. However, there was one big mammal that he found annoying but irresistible every time he popped his puppy eyes. That mammal being Tobi. Madara hated to admit it, but Tobi was just so heart-melting and his brotherly side usually took control of him, thence arising the urge to nod in approval.

"Yay! Madara is the best brother ever!" Tobi jumped up, cheering and asphyxiated his brother with his arms. "Come on! Let's get changed!"

Grunting, Madara opened his cloak brusquely he almost ripped off the buttons.

The outcome only made Madara wanted to frown more and more. The theme for him and Tobi was ridiculous beyond all reasons. Madara was forced to wear a black t-shirt with bold letterings saying 'I'M WITH STUPID' and an arrow pointing to his left. He wore white baggy trousers and grey Gatsby cap and—most ridiculous of all—a rimless glasses.

As opposed to his darker twin, Tobi wore a white t-shirt with bold cheery letterings saying 'ME AND MY HAPPY FAMILY' with a hand pointing to his right. He wore black shorts, the similar grey Gatsby cap and—most ridiculous of all—a thick-rimmed bug-eyed glasses. And unlike his twin brother, Tobi was extremely overjoyed with this mission and the disguising idea.

As for Kujira, Tobi gave him a set of clothes which in the end made Kujira looked like a skateboarder. And what does Whale Boy say? "This is even way better than Deidara-san's choice! Thanks, Tobi-niichan!" Kujira grinned wide and Tobi grinned back.

"I can see why." Madara commented dryly. "Now, c'mon. We have a mission to run, remember?"

"Sir, yes, sir!"

Only a mile later, they finally arrived at the front gate, where there were two guards standing by at the gate. They stood, seeing the brothers and the whale boy. Casually, Madara stood before them, still unwillingly grasping Tobi's right hand. He noticed the twitch on the spiky-haired guy's mouth. That guy was about to _laugh_…and Madara is going to snuff him if he does.

"Good day, gentlemen." Madara greeted them, courteously opened his hat before putting it back on. And, an awfully good actor was he, he set up a sincere smile. Deep inside, Tobi was amazed with Madara's acting skill for Madara _never_ smiled so sincerely ever since he started entering the ninja academy. If he ever smiled like that, he could be acting like now or…he has a deep killing intention.

"Good day, sir." the one with a strand of hair covering one of his eyes greeted back. "May I know your identity and where you came from?"

Madara turned to Kujira (who carried the bag of clothes and other stuffs) and said, "My purse, please." Kujira quickly fumbled with the bag searched for the purse Madara mentioned. He found it and handed it to Madara. Madara dug his hands inside and soon afterwards he handed the guards three book-like identity documents.

Both guards scrutinized over the passports. This time the one with spiky hair spoke, "So…Mr. Mamoru Shuugo…that man beside you, Tobiron Shuugo, he's your brother?" he pointed at Tobi.

"Twin brother. Why else do you think we dress like this? We're a bit non-identical, though…" Madara smiled at the guard as well as watching any signs of amusement. He was satisfied then because instead of snickering, the guard was confused how could Madara described him and Tobi being non-identical.

"OK…and how about the kid…Kamome Unabara? He's your son?"

"He's my ward. Say…you have a nice sake bar here?" Madara asked, inserting the three passports into the purse and handed them back to Kujira.

"Sure. It's just across the Ichiraku Ramen. You may enter, gentlemen."

"Thank you. See you." Pulling Tobi's hand, the three Akatsuki entered Konohagakure with no trouble at all. All thanks to Madara's precautious utility. However, not everybody was pleased with his precaution.

"What kind of name is 'Tobiron'?" Tobi asked when they debriefing in the hotel; he was almost complaining as he didn't want his voice to be overheard by passing hotel crew. "That makes Tobi sound like 'Toblerone'!"

"Just adopt it for a while. It's your pseudonym while in this village. The same goes for you, Kujira—I mean, Kamome."

"You give a worse name for me rather than Tobi-niichan's. I'm not a seagull!" Kujira pouted.

"Well, if you think I like my name, you're wrong, mister! Mamoru is such a common name and it's the name of Sailor Moon's good-for-nothing boyfriend! If those guards only have 2 IQ points, then I'll use James Tiberius Kirk!" Madara snapped at Kujira.

"Calm down, Madara. We understand now." Tobi patted his brother's back.

"Good! 'Cause we're working tomorrow. _My_ style…" Madara smirked; the smirk that always had a special meaning for Tobi. The kid always liked to see Madara smirking with full of ideas like that. For him, it made him look cool.

* * *

_Ding!_

**_Madara's Three Methods of Info-smuggling!_**

**_Method 1: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Lizard_**

* * *

Hunkering down in their hotel room while watching over the Administration Building, Madara fumbled with what it seemed to be a joystick while Kujira held a black-and-white screen. Both men had big headphones with a mouthpiece attached to their heads. Madara touched a dial dangling on the cable and a static was heard before he began to speak, "Tobi, tell me your position, bro."

"Tobi is on the Administration Building's roof. Ready to release Crawls on location. Over." Tobi, hanging upside down inside the elders' meeting room, replied. He dug his hand into his pocket and carefully attached a lizard to the ceiling. He met the lizard's eye and said, "Hello? Can you hear Tobi?"

"Loud and clear." Kujira replied.

"I'm testing Crawls' walking." Madara said and pushed the joystick's control straight forward. From the screen, Kujira could see the image of the meeting room began moving.

"It looks like it's working. Tobi-niichan?"

"Yep! Working all right."

"OK. Tobi, you can teleport back here." Without further ado, Tobi's figure disappeared just as the door opened. Madara moved Crawls the lizard to a table where he can watch the meeting without having to rotate the screen.

"Tobi's back!"

"SSH!! The show's started!"

Kujira found himself sitting between two bigger men, all watching at the black-and-white screen. There were only two elders coming in, and Danzo was not present. While the first two elders were chatting soap operas, Kujira had a question that had been bothering his mind.

"Tell me again, how do we have a mechanical lizard?"

"Sasori designed it upon my request. You're his new buddy, you should've known."

"I haven't been to Sasori-danna's room lately."

Madara and Tobi looked at each other oddly, then their eyes flew to Kujira. "He…lets you in?" Madara asked rather carefully, skepticism in his voice.

"Yeah. I've been there once. But he only showed me his designs. Why? Don't you guys ever go inside?" Kujira asked back.

"Tobi and Madara did…but Sasori-senpai wasn't there." Tobi answered tentatively.

"The thing is: Sasori never lets anyone into his room, even Deidara! He's always so insecure and he doesn't like people touching his stuffs."

"That's true. He always told me to sit down and do nothing, but he still lets me in."

"Wow…" Madara gasped. "That's a breakthrough…"

"Hey, Madara, that's Danzo, right?" Tobi pointed at a man who just came in to the meeting room. The man only had one eye; the other eye was covered with bandages. Tobi shivered looking at the man's face while Kujira only squinted, but still feeling awkward nonetheless.

"Yeah, that's the little son of a bitch that wants to eradicate us. Open your ears, boys. You won't wanna miss this."

"Well, well, look who's finally came? Come on, Danzo, you bring what we asked for?" one of the elders, Homura, asked.

"Yeah, yeah…I have it right here." Danzo heaved a plastic bag and as it landed on the table, it made a harsh 'BUMP' sound. Danzo spun his shoulder, ranting, "I'm not as young as I used to be, ya know. I can't carry three boozes at once."

Upon which Madara and Tobi looked at each other in perplexity. Madara was getting skeptic and he had the feeling he won't like what he was about to see.

Danzo dug his hands into the plastic bag and pulled two bottles of sake from it. He slid the bottles to the respective receiver. The old woman elder, Koharu, squealed in delight and kissed the bottle as if she was kissing her own Welsh corgi. "Perfect! This is what we need!"

"Long live Konohagakure!!!" Homura shouted and proposed a toast. Soon the three elders turned from fist-curling jerks into downright lame drunkards.

"What in the name of Klingons is this all about?!" Madara roared, back in their 'secret hideout'. "This isn't a fucking eradication meeting! This is simply an idiotic, senseless, disgracing grownup party! GOD! Who chose these boozers as Konoha's rightful elders? They're a disgrace! Vermins! They don't deserve the position as elders!" Curling his fists into a tight ball, Madara's signature diabolic smile shone under the yellow light bulb's light. Tobi shivered upon sensing Madara's dark aura; Kujira not only shivered, he hid under the blanket. "I've been craving to do something for now…. Kujira!"

"Y-y-yes, sir?!" Kujira stammered.

"Equip the VCR and record the whole scene! We're going to blackmail the assholes…" Madara then grinned; a grin darker than he ever pulled before. He turned to Tobi, who gulped seeing the way Madara shot his gaze at him, "Isn't it brilliant, my brother? By blackmailing, we're saving Akatsuki. Now those idiots won't have the power to rule again. No one has spies over our movement."

Tobi raised his hand timidly, as if it was necessary to attract Madara's attention, "Um…then how about the spies that had already watched over Akatsuki?"

Madara grinned again; Tobi swore this time he was about to leak in his own pants. "That's where we use our pets, Tobi. Your mini-elephant, Nu-nu; my cockatoo, Merlin; Kakuzu's tigress, Carmen…their job is to watch over suspicious people outside and inside the territory of Akatsuki. Why else do you think I bought Merlin other than got mesmerized by his parrot eyes?"

Tobi snapped his fingers in acknowledgement. "OH! OK, Tobi gets everything now." Then Tobi eased the excitement off of his shoulders. Along with his shoulders, his head hung low. His voice lowly muttered, "Madara is so genius…"

Noticing the difference in Tobi's posture, Madara's dark aura ceased as he crouched before his brother. "Hey…Tobi…what's the matter? What was that again?"

Tobi shook his head, "Nothing! Hey, Kujira-kun, how's it going?"

"Recorded and saved! Though Crawls got sat by elder Koharu's fat ass…"

"NOOOO!!!! CRAWLS!!!" Madara shrieked—so much for the diabolic and prideful soul. Tears trickling thickly from his eyes.

"Come on! It's just a stupid robot lizard!" Kujira scowled.

"Not that! I promised Merlin that once this mission is done, Crawls is meant to be his new chew toy. Now my poor little birdy won't have a new toy…"

* * *

_Ding!_

**_Method 2: Man of Many Faces (and Voices)_**

* * *

"Gah! My back is killing me." Genma sighed, his mouth seemingly to gnaw on the long toothpick that had been attached to his mouth for years.

"Well, let's take a lunch break." his partner, Raidou, stood up. Both men then exited the file archive (they were the only ones in there) and passed the reception. A woman there gazed at the figure of Genma with longing eyes, pink strokes on her cheeks. She straightened her back when Genma stared back at her.

"See ya later, Atsuko-san!" he waved at her. The woman called Atsuko could only wave back and sighed in hopelessness.

But…hope chose not to leave this poor young woman as the same person she was waving at bobbed his head in between the door frame. She blushed and stuttering, she asked, "Genma-san, weren't you off to lunch just now?"

Genma smirked, strolling closer to the woman called Atsuko. "My _bunshin_ have the lunch for me. I, the real me, is here to ask you something." Genma leaned on the receptionist table and his face was now a good five inches away from Atsuko. Genma's smirk widened at Atsuko's ever growing redness; he put aside the long toothpick from his mouth near the flower vase.

"Wh-what can I do to help you?" Atsuko asked timidly.

"Mm…I was thinking if you can tell me a little about your old mentor, Danzo-sama." Genma stated out his inquiry while his finger trailed on the receptionist desk, touching from one paper to another paper.

Atsuko's shoulders droop, she gazed everywhere but Genma's attractive and close visage. "I'm so sorry, Genma-san. But I respect him therefore I can't…" she trailed off, feeling absolutely stupid and guilty.

Genma sighed and shook his head slowly. "Looks like I can't make you to spill out the thing that I need that easily, huh? Oh well…that means I have no need here anymore. Fare thee well, my lovely Atsuko-san…"

Genma replaced the toothpick back where it belonged in his mouth and walked soberly away. But before he could even reach the doorway, Atsuko's voice called him as if her voice was previously stuck and could only let out a shrill, "Wait!"

Genma secretly smirked and gracefully turned around to meet the woman's now sizzling red face. Clipping the long toothpick between his two fingers like a cigar, Genma tilted his head to the side, "Yes, Atsuko-san?"

"I will tell you a thing or two only if you give me something in return, like…" she trailed off again and her eyes were clammed shut tightly. Presumably, she was blaming herself for setting up such a selfish requirement. She was about to say something when Genma cut her.

"Like a kiss?" Genma asked, eyebrows arched in an amused manner.

No response from Atsuko but a gulp of death.

"No problem!" the Tokubetsu Jonin smiled, suddenly appearing in front of Atsuko. Much to Atsuko's astonishment, Genma had shut the door, locked it, disposed of the toothpick, and now he was hopping over the receptionist desk to where Atsuko was. Atsuko, who sat on the wheeled office chair, fell off to the floor and watched nervously as Genma's manly (handsome) figure knelt before her. Her goose bumps arose as his hands cupped her face, obliging her to stare at him squarely. He smirked and drew his face closer to the woman's, "So…who wants to make a head start?"

Atsuko was once again loss for words. Genma took this as a cue to forcefully suck out the words from her mouth. It was rough and short; Atsuko could barely even feel it.

"This is how it works: with every infos you gave to me, I'll increase the level and, of course, the duration. So better start talking, _At-chan_." Genma explained, licking his upper lip at the end. Atsuko's nerve systems tingled by the calling 'At-chan'.

"He…he…he's planning his Root ANBU to secretly assassinate people that has ties with the Akatsuki."

Kiss.

"For what reason?"

"He said that by terminating those people, Akatsuki will lose its sources and as a result causing them clueless of the Root's movements."

Kiss.

"Keep going. There must be something else."

"I don't know."

"Ah…trying to make things hard, eh?"

_French._

"He's—after the position as Hokage!"

"And…?"

French.

"To become a Hokage, he will need to win the people's trust."

"What's he after by becoming a Hokage?"

"I don't know."

French…with a little of hand frenzy.

"I seriously don't know!"

"Are you sure? Or is that just an excuse?"

"I'm serious. I haven't spoken to him for a while now. It's a piece of information that only the Roots know."

"Is that true?"

"Yes…"

"OK! My job's done! Thanks a lot, At-chan!" Genma stood and was about to walk away when Atsuko's hands suddenly seized his shoulders, causing him to stumble back and repeated the same ritual—only for a longer time.

"Kujira-kun, you can turn it off now." Tobi sighed.

Shivering and scowling and…mostly crumpling all the facial muscles available, Kujira dropped to his behind beside Tobi who had put the notes aside and was reading a manga. Kujira sighed loudly and Tobi had a pretty good idea why. Anyways, Kujira commented, "I'm so goddamn speechless. This is the only thing I can say…oh! Madara-sama is pretty experienced, huh?"

"Yeah…Madara is Akatsuki's number one actor and number one playboy. Tobi doesn't remember how many it was clearly, but Madara had a lot of girlfriends." Tobi explained, still reading the manga.

"Wow…lucky girls…"

"From everything about Madara…" Tobi continued, "Tobi dislikes the most the way Madara treats women. It's like Madara doesn't…appreciate the existence of women. Somehow for him, they are just the same as the trees and animals. The only woman that Madara ever truly respects is mommy."

Kujira lowered his head and stared at his white toes. "I guess…it's only natural if he respects his mother more than anyone. I would too." Kujira straightened his back, stretching his arms upwards. "I just realize—convinced, actually—that you and Madara-sama are totally two different entities."

"Tobi and Madara will never be the same." Tobi smiled wryly. In which point, both kids (one being half-kid) heard a _BALOOF! _sound just somewhere near the entrance. The door wasn't opened but there was a figure with thick black hair falling face-first to the tatami. "Madara!" Tobi rushed to his brother's side. "Madara, are you alright?"

Instead of seeing his brother squirming in pain or anything of that sort, Madara was chuckling ecstatically. "Ha…man, that was awesome! Gotta do that more often…" Madara rolled around and crawled to the sink to get himself a glass of water. Seeing that he was pretty much troubled, Tobi rose up and handed him one.

"What happened…after the make-out session?" Tobi asked, watching as his brother imbibed the whole glass empty.

"I met the real Genma and blitzed him." Madara pulled a pen-like object from his pocket and handed it to Tobi's hands.

Tobi held it up and gaped while Madara crawled to the futon and began to grab an eye-shut—despite being twelve-oh-ten. Tobi stammered while Kujira, confused, scrutinized the pen-like object. "Tobi thought—Tobi thought Madara had destroyed it!!!" Tobi complained.

"I told Sasori to fix it."

"WHAT?!?! But what if—" Before Tobi had the time to finish, the whole place suddenly was engulfed in a flash of light and dimmed again. Behind Tobi, Kujira had gone…loony. Tobi screeched, "AAAAAAH!!!! Kujira-kun!! Madara!"

"Slap the kid or something!" Madara bellowed.

Tobi did as told and, much to his relief, Kujira came back to normal and his memories left unscathed.

* * *

_Ding!_

**_Method 3: Batman Style_**

* * *

The masked Root ANBU was totally relieved after taking a leak. He sighed; his breath billowing inside his mask. He turned around to return to his position when suddenly someone appeared to stand in front of him. He jumped; he didn't see him coming.

"Have a minute?" Madara sternly and rhetorically asked. He grabbed the ANBU's jacket collar and teleported him outside where Kujira and Tobi could hold down his limbs. Although Kujira's strength alone could hold the man down, but since he was too short to reach the other arm and leg, he needed Tobi's assistance.

"What do you want from me?!" the Root ANBU bellowed, squirming under Tobi and Kujira's pressure.

Madara punched the man across his face, "What plans does Danzo have to terminate the Akatsuki?! Answer me!" Madara bellowed, almost shouted at the ANBU.

"What are you talking about? What plans?"

Madara punched him again and slammed him to the wall behind him. "Don't toy me around, bird face! The woman in the National Archive told me he's scheming to kill all people that have ties with Akatsuki! Tell me the truth!"

"I can't! I'm bound to a seal that disabled me from talking about him!" the ANBU defended himself. He was almost pleased when he saw Madara's eyebrows furrowed, so he added, "I'll become paralyzed if I broke the contract."

"I can handle that." Kujira blurted. He smiled to Madara reassuringly, "That's one of my specialty! I know how to heal paralysis. My mom taught me."

Madara smirked; day by day he was impressed with the boy's capability. His smirk turned to the Root ANBU who was now sweating cold. "You heard him. Now _spill it._" Madara hissed.

"Danzo had this paAAARGH!!!" the ninja was suddenly buzzed by a strong javelin of lightning from the inside of his body. He was conscious, so far as Madara checked through his eyes, but was unable neither to stand nor to speak.

"Kujira…"

"Right." Using his index finger and middle finger (a hand form similar to the Hyuuga's Juuken), Kujira jabbed the ninja's throat and on the point below the lower jaws, a little behind the chin.

Madara skewed his eyebrows, "I never knew you could unblock chi on that point."

"Me neither, at first. OK, you can talk again now."

"It wasn't a serious talk." the ninja answered. His answer confused the three Akatsuki that they stare at one another in sequence. "Seriously, it wasn't a serious talk. Danzo doesn't even know where the Akatsuki is or who are the people who have ties with them. He was drunk! _Drunk_, do you hear me?! And his subordinates could never tell whenever he's drunk or not. We could finally tell once he bawled like a horny cow! That National Archive woman…he was his subordinate too, but she rarely sees him drunk. Neither do I, but I can tell because I analyze the way he talks when he's drunk. And what you're forcing me to spill right now is just a drunk joke!! Now let me go! I have a wife and seven children! How could you take a family man's life?!?!"

Madara rolled his eyes and slapped the ANBU across his face again—this time because he was ranting what he never intended to hear. "Don't start talking about your family! I care nothing for them! And are you sure it was just a liquor-smelled joke and bragging?! You're not the first one I interrogate. The others said Danzo had sent men to Amegakure where it was believed the Akatsuki resides there. Is that true? Then what happened to the men?"

"They encountered Pein and got killed. No one get to touch a single thing of Amegakure's property. I swear, I'm telling you the truth! If not, I swear I'll have a nosebleed!"

"Um, your nose _is_ bleeding." Tobi pointed out.

"OH SHIT!!!"

Madara crackled his fingers; his horrendous dark aura blasted out of his pores. His eyes, even without the Sharingan, were glinting in mischief and slight fury. "You lie and you can't make any more kids, goddammit!!!" Madara roared.

"I swear! That's the truth! I'm begging you!!!" the ANBU turned from a steadfast and brave assassin into a pusillanimous, scrawny little gerbil. He whimpered and tears leaked out from the corners of his mask.

"Hate to say it, Mada—I mean, Mamoru-sama, but he's saying the truth. I could feel it." Kujira said.

Sighing and rolling his eyes heavenwards, Madara nodded in agreement, "Yeah, I know. I could feel it too. Well, have a nice life. Tobi, neurolizer."

Tobi handed Madara the pen-like object—the same object the Men In Black used to erase people's memory and replaced the lost ones by simply saying the new ones. "Close your eyes, kids." and the pen blitzed as Madara pressed the button. The ANBU drooled while he was being brainwashed. "You will never remember we were here to interrogate you about Danzo. And…as soon as you snap out of this, resign from Root and become a farmer instead. A ninja isn't supposed to have a lot of kids. You'll trouble the little ones if you die." Madara pocketed the neurolizer and nodded at Tobi and Kujira. The three Akatsuki left the dazed man alone until the effect of the neurolizer worn off five minutes later. "Come. We're going home. But first, maybe you want to go somewhere?"

"So…everything the spy heard, what he sent to Pein-sama and the reason that we're here are…bogus? So…there's actually no point at all to go here?" Kujira asked. He was in the verge of ultimate ranting and complaining. This was, by far, the worst mission ever.

"I'm afraid so, sport. I can't believe it either. All that make-out was meant for nothing. Fuck the informant… If only I knew who our spy is, I'd make him suffer in the eternal Mangekyou suffering." Madara grumbled.

"But at least we did something productive while we're in here, right, Kujira-kun?" Tobi sneered.

Kujira's face-splitting smile returned as soon as he remembered he and Tobi's 'something productive' thing. Madara, on the contrary, didn't get the meaning. "Right! Madara-sama, you're not going to believe what we did yesterday while you're gone for the rest of ten minutes after the kiss-ask-answer session!" Kujira explained excitedly.

"What? What is it that you did yesterday?" Kujira explained everything to Madara (while he himself was struggling not to laugh too much as they passed the gates of Konoha) and once Madara heard everything he couldn't help but to guffaw.

* * *

_Meanwhile, somewhere in one of the buildings…an envelope arrives…_

* * *

"Shizune, what is this post all about?" Tsunade scrutinized at big brown envelope that arrived at her desk long before she entered her office. She looked at it around and saw no postal stamp or the address it came from. She opened the seal and found a video tape inside the envelope. She scowled, "Guh…I hope it's not another video love letter from those old gamblers again…. Most of all, I hope it's not the trailer of _Icha Icha Paradise: The Movie_." Tsunade turned the video on and sat in her chair almost displeased when the screen turned and white and nothing but letters decorated it. The letters formed the following message:

_So THIS is what lies behind our government, eh, Hokage-sama?_

_How shameful… I suggest your report this immediately to the Daimyou before your village's reputation is scarred—forever!_

_Yours,  
Free Willy and Jack-o-Lantern_

Next track, a black and white (yet clear as crystal) footage of ass-shaking and breast-humping Konoha elders filled the screen enhanced with Sean Kingston's _Fire Burning_ song playing on the background. Tsunade's forehead met her wooden desk, causing the poor furniture to split into two as she continued banging her forehead at it, laughing her head off.

What she _loved_ was her position rival was there, humiliating himself senselessly, doing something that was only done by Jiraiya's characters in his erotic book series. She loved it SOOOO much, even her tears dented the floor.

And Konoha lived happily ever after—thanks to Free Willy and Jack-o-Lantern.

* * *

**LOL! I like the last scene! It's my hatred for you, Danzo! You son of a bitch! You make what's bad worse, you child-molesting good for nothing…. Anyways, what I loved the most is the Method 2 scene. Haha…it just came…and, no, it wasn't my 'Erotic Escape Hatch's' doing. This chapter's rather pointless, but anyways, this story is half-crack-fic, so it MEANT to be pointless.**

**Tell me what you think, good people! I could also use some constructive comments in which I can use to make myself better.**

**~Kogito, who is now not fasting because it's the time of the month!**

**Next chapter: **Zetsu is trying to redeem their love of their life, but first they must make cakes! Good thing Tobi and Konan are in da house!

**No bloopers this time…I'm out of bloopers…**


	7. NOT A CHAPTER! BAD NEWS!

**THIS AIN'T NO JOKE!**

**THIS STORY IS UP FOR ADOPTION!**

**I REPEAT!**

**_UP. FOR. ADOPTION!_**

So sorry, folks... I know it sucks that you have waited for YEARS but the update that you get is this piece of shit about a writer finally out of ideas and inspiration and is crying to the god/goddess of literature. You can do anything - even flaming - because I deserve it. I fucking totally deserve some fucking flaming. Heck, I wanna jump off from my dorm tower now. T^T

It's going to be a waste of time if I tell you the long, long, long reason for why I could finally give up on this story. I know most of you won't believe it, even when I'm saying the truth. It's OK...you have the right to distrust me, not after what I have done to you guys.

As I said in bold, capitals, underlines, and italics, this story is up for adoption. PM me when you're interested and have ideas 50x more brilliant than mine. I want to read it too, you know!

Again, I just can't forgive myself. I really wanna commit suicide.

Really...

If it wasn't because I still have four more years to spend in college, I would already have!


End file.
